Remember when a bike looked like a bike?

UCI Rule 1.3.024, the famous 3:1 rule is giving me a headache. It's giving the pro teams a headache and it's giving the man at the local hardware store who sells tape measures a little extra profit.
So thank you Mr Vaughters, who has managed to calm down the UCI and thus enable the TT stage of the Tour de California to proceed as planned.

You will know, I'm sure, the famous saying 'rules are meant to be broken'. And nowhere is this more the case than in cycling. Of course, with us, there is a slight twist to the famous phrase. In cycling the phrase should read 'Rules are meant to be broken, but only by the UCI who draw them up, woe betide anyone else who breaks them, even if they have broken them before with the tacit approval of the UCI.' OK, I admit it's a bit of a mouthful (as the actress said to the vicar), but that is pretty much how the UCI seem to interpret any of their rules.

You may well remember Graham Obree. Graham broke records like there was no tomorrow, on bikes he designed himself, bikes that were designed to go fast, not it seems to correspond to the UCI rule book. Well that is until you actually looked at the UCI rule book at the time and realised there wasn't much in it that made Grahams bike illegal. But that didn't stop the UCI buggering Graham about. A bike that was OK yesterday was never gonna be OK today. If the UCI official woke up with a headache then Graham was in trouble, as he found that this bike contravened the 'spirit of cycling' or was hit by some other catch all argument that would stop him riding. Quite what this 'spirit of cycling' is was never made clear, although judging by the UCI's actions on doping it sure as hell don't include a serious attempt at stopping performance enhancing drugs or going after dope cheats.

Please don't knock on my door.

Meanwhile athletes from various sports are complaining about the whereabouts system. Now I pretty much know where I'll be most days, I have a routine. And guess what, if you're an athlete you will have a routine as well, training, rest and competition. It'll all be laid out for you on a week by week basis. If it isn't you should get a new coach.

IMHO athletes that whinge about having to tell the anti-doping authorities where they are for 1 hour a day are as good as dopers, you have a phone, you can text, you can email or your coach can do it for you if you're too stupid to press the enter key - apparently one of their 'genuine' concerns is that if they press the enter key incorrectly three times, it will constitute a failed drugs test. Well if that's a problem for you perhaps you should stop dragging your knuckles along the ground, stop complaining and do something else for a living.


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Is this your blood?

Cameroon or California, who has the best sponsors reception.

I see Lancey boy has said that he thinks people are more interested in the Tour de Cali than him. I'm sorry? Am I watching the same race? Yes there are doubtlessly people more interested in the Tour de Cali than in Lanceys appearance on the start line every day, but these people are out and out cycling fans, and would be at the race no matter who was riding or what the weather was, and good luck to them, they will be there when the celebrity count is 0. These people are however in the minority, well, certainly in terms of the media. As in the TDU the biggest media hawks gather round Armstrong, not for the cycling story, but because he's Lancey boy and he's back. At times it really is not about the bike race.
But, there is of course a spin off in having the media spin the story, as there always is when Lancey is in town. And that is raising awareness of bike racing. I have a friend in the states who said the only benefit of Armstrong winning so many TdF's was he made Lycra cool. And as we all know making Lycra cool is a very good thing, well I say a good thing, if you tip the scales at 120kilos Lycra should never be cool.

Meanwhile as the only show in town rolls through the rain and as Cav practices his new victory salute (whilst simultaneously taking the piss out of Boonan) riders are hard at it over the water. Lets us not forget that the Tour de Cameroon is in full swing. I love races like Cameroon, they may well be the new frontier. They're also a great way to make you realise that old cyclist never die they just turn up and race in really odd events. Stage one proved Jaan Kirsipuu is still knocking out the k's and that Dave Clarke and I assume his team are riding. After that facts get a little vague, still, great event, real bike racing and as always good to see the UCI get right behind cycle racing in the developing world, which they do by smiling, shaking hands, and eating and drinking at the sponsors expense in California, God bless' em.

Old dopes never die, they just continue to live in fantasy world.

I was starting to despair, I really was. Staffan Schumacher had gone very quiet since he threatened to sue the world and her husband. So let the bells ring out and let job be unconfined as AFLD got round to banning him for two years. Needless to say the UCI have still done bugger all. They are awaiting any actions by AFLD, "We are still waiting in fact for the AFLD decision" they say. Or in other worlds, we'll wait and see if he sues them before we join in.

Needless to say Schumacher is not happy, oh, no, no, no. He is not amused, still in his spluttering amazement he did manage to utter "it's a shock for me and leaves me stunned" Talk about self delusional. Exactly what did he expect? At some point someone with some balls (obviously not the UCI) was going to stand up to his bully boy tactics and ban him.

Still you have to love him don't you? (oh, ok then, you don't), but what the heck, he's good value, witness: "I want to, and will, continue to ride. This sport is my passion and my job. I am fighting for my rehabilitation and appeal to everyone not to base their opinion of me as a person on this AFLD verdict"
Don't worry Staffan, we're not basing our opinion of you on the fact that AFLD have just banned you, but on the fact that you're an weired Alien looking dope cheat, who got kicked out the Tour after he produced a power output that a motorbike would fail to match.

"I want to, and will, continue to ride" Well, what happened to riding for Quick Step then? Didn't he insist that he would definately be riding for them in 2009? Sadly this doesn't look like happening, I was looking forward to seeing Alien number 1 following the peloton shouting "let me in, let me in" .

Someone else who's being fingered, so to speak, is the balding Alejandro Valverde, CONI, who like their French counter parts seem to have found some balls, made a point of filling their blood bank when Le Tour found it's way into Italy last year. Since then they have been playing match the DNA.
The first rider they matched (perhaps the one they really wanted) was Valverde. Apparently one of the blood bags found in Puerto fridge had the name 'Vlad the impaler' on it. Which has a V in it and as Valverde doesn't appear to have a dog will have to do.

Meanwhile the Spanish authorities have kicked off, saying that CONI have no right to probe their lad, who has been found inocent in Spain following the simple but effective test of 'Did you do it?' But this didn't have the desired effect, the Italians took it as an affront to their manhood and an insult to nationhood and promptly charged Vlad, sorry Valverde.

The one constant in all of this international double dealing and intrigue is that the UCI have continued to keep their head in the sand. Not so much keeping all events at arms length, more a case of hiding behind the sofa until the nasty man goes away, the nasty man in this case being the sector of organised doping.



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Geting down and dirty.

The wrong trousers.

Looks what happens, I go away for a week and on my return all hell has broken lose, what did I miss?

Well mainly what I missed is the Rabobank riders spiting the dummy out about the in-house fines that the team was imposing.
In-house fines are quite common in pro sport, it's supposed to help with team bonding, assist with the development of professional attitudes and lighten the mood. Bizarrely for a sport that is often at the cutting edge of technology and stupidity cycling has been a little slow on the uptake. So you can imagine my excitement when Rabo announced that they would introduce a series of Euro sapping fines for acts of high treason.
Amongst the list were fines for
Having an uninvited guest in your hotel room (and I quote 'Guest / relationship in hotel without permission'!),
Having unauthorised web links!,
Unauthorised 'medical shopping',
'Improper clothing' (I assume that means owning Improper clothing and not just wearing it)

Plus all the stuff you'd expect about not going to Mexico, missing tests etc. But best of all and my personal favorite is 'Action without permission', what the hell does that mean? No wonder the riders are pissed off if they have to ask permission to have a dump.

The bicycle thieves.
Amongst all the razzmatazz at the Tour de Cali, in fact overshadowing the razz and almost equaling the matazz was the theft of Lancey boys TT bike. Now I don't know much about the world of international crime, but I'd have thought that if you were going to nick a bike from a race then nicking the most high profile bike belonging to the most high profile rider in your countries most high profile race has to be one of the dumbest moves in criminal history. Who exactly are they gonna sell it to? Striping down for ebay parts is one thing, but what do you do with the frame? Perhaps there's an international market in illegal bikes as there is with stolen art? Perhaps secret collector in Zurich will pay millions for an Armstrong iron to hang alongside their Coppi Bianchi ?

And so to the life of the coach.
My life has been brightened this week by some SRM incidents. No I haven't been measuring my power output, but have been observing others doing the same and very entertaining it is.
This week I have seen a juvenile (U16) rider with the full SRM that was bought by indulgent parents. But just as I was finished scratching my head from that I got talking to a senior rider who had just forked out close on two and a half grand for what he told me would transform his cycling. When I asked how he was using it in training I was told he was only using it on the bike he rode on the turbo and when he did his traning would consist of going flat out for an hour and then looking at the power trace to see what power he layed down. I suggested that it could be beneficial to do some sort of analysis on the data provided and maybe adjust his training as a result and he looked at me as though I was crazy and informed me that he 'knew what he was doing'!
So many idiots with so much money puts a smile on the face of a coach, it really does.


The rain in somewhere other than Spain.
It's cold and wet in California, but don't let that worry you. The off the bike entertainment is red hot and full on.
First up we had Lancey boy and Kimmage going at it full pelt at the press conference, wow. If you ever thought that these two hate each other you were so wide of the make you should be hanging your head in shame. They have transcended hate and are now in a very odd place indeed. I found the exchange scarey, well actually, very scarey. And this was only round one, ther'd better be good bouncers come July or blood will be spilt I really believe it.

Then we had Rock, Rock and more Rock. I've spoken in the past about my admaration (grudging I'll admit) of Mr Ball and his merry band.
I like his in yer face attitude towards cycling (God knows it is at times well needed), I like the publicity driven antics, I like the fact it gives bloggers and fans something to moan about, I like the way he employs young US riders and gives them a chance to shine and prove their worth on a big stage.
I don't like his employment of ex-dopers (whom I think should have been banned for life), I find the constantly changing kit, seemingly for the sake of pissing people off, a little tiring. And I get the impression that the actual team organisation is a little vague, witness this years license fiasco and not having spare bikes at the Tour de Britain last year.

But ultimately whatever he does will always be overshadowed by the riders he has signed. So when Mancebo grabbed a stage win the headlines were as you'd expect, which I don't doubt is what Ball had in mind. When you're about to run out of cash and have publicly stated that there's only six months cash in the kitty a little publicity goes a long way (as does a little stage winners prize). But that's just the problem, (in my opinion), stage wins are good for attracting sponsors, stage wins by a convicted ex-doper from a team with several ex-dopers is not to the majority of potential investors a good selling point.

Look at the teams that have signed big co-sponsors recently, Slipstream and High Road, for example, both have a strong anti doping stance and whilst Ball may talk the talk, he fails for whatever reason to walk the walk, as a result what was once his USP, is when the chips are down more of a hinderance than a help.

It's a shame, there are some good riders on the team, riders that would clearly relish the chance to race at a 'higher' level and who, I feel, would go well and are well capable of good results. However their future chances are going to be severly affacted by a lack of a new sponsor.



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Smiles all round

Pink, Red and Grey, oh that's nice!

We all forget things don't we? Birthdays, anniversaries, visits to the dentists, picking up a pint of milk. I guess it's just human nature, so it comes of nothing of a surprise to find that the Lotto team have forgotten to hold their 2009 presentation.
Whilst every other pro team had got the meet and greet business out of the way months ago Lotto decided to wait until the season was up and running before they exposed their boys to the press, (so to speak!)
Mondays presentation in sunny Belgium had the feeling of an afterthought. The riders sat around tables that looked like they had been borrowed from the local bar whilst they proudly modeled their new kit for 2009. Well I say proudly, they looked more like guests at a boring wedding who couldn't wait to leave and go onto somewhere more enjoyable. The only rider who seemed to have any fun was Thomas 'love me or leave me' Dekker. Although come July he will be guaranteed to have fallen out with someone in the team and have reverted to pouting at all and sundry.
You felt like asking 'Why the long faces guys?', but then realised it was a question that didn't need an asking. Take a look at that jersey, no seriously, take a good long hard cold light of day look and then tell me that Columbia and katyusha are poorly turned out. Quite who thought that red, purple, pink and grey make a fetching combination hasn't been said, but needless to say they are probably still at kindergarten.

I mentioned the other day that I have a bet that crazy Frank will only get to finish 5 races this season (assuming that Team Cinelli get a license to race), but looking at the Lotto presentation made me offer odds on a couple more likely events.
Thomas Dekker to fallout with everyone by TdF time:, 2/1
Cadel Evans to crack a smile by TdF time:, 1000/1
Leif Hoste to appear on the Belgian version of cash in the attic by July: 50/1
Chance of that jersey being openly laughed at in the peloton: evens

Rock on baby!

Hurray, hurray, Rock racing are still with us and will be riding in Cali. They have announced their team for the race and it looks like this, American, American, American, ex-doper, ex-doper, ex-doper and Tyler Hamilton, who manages to tick both boxes, well he is twins. After providing last years pre-race comedy act the Rock boys have been allowed to race and will doubtlessly be providing the fans and assembled media with mid race comedy antics as they attempt to supplement their non-existent pay packets.

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Do It Yourself - the way forward for dope testing.

My belief has never been so beggared!

In a move as predictable as it's pathetic Mr 60% has decided to scrap the much heralded dope tests run by Dr Ramsus Damsgaard.
In future all dope tests at Saxo Bank will be carried out by Kim Andersen's auntie Dorris, using the tests that served her boy so well during his racing career.

Additional testing personnel.
In addition to Kim Andersens auntie Dorris, 'Team Mr 60%' will be assisted by 'Dr' Gillian McKeith, who will be charged with looking at the riders poo! And applying the simple 'Dr Poo' test, so beloved by Mr Andersen and Mr 60% during their days in the saddle, namely if it looks like shit, it is shit. Which is coincidentally what can be said about the whole team Mr 60% approach to dope testing.

Of course this transparent attempt at UCI sanctioned transparency is, so it seems, the way to go. Why spend money on a world leading anti-doping and monitoring programme when you can piss into a bottle and have some bloke you met in the bar looking at it and saying 'looks fine to me.'. What I find mystifying is that at a time when cash is on the short side teams are not falling over themselves to get a world beating anti-doping programme up front as one of their 'unique selling points'. Still what do you expect? Poachers and Game keepers eh!

Want to go faster?

Want to go faster, feel like your skinsuit just isn't up to it? Then get yourself over to Manchester and start having a look through the bins at the back of the Velodrome. Apparently following their golden haul of gongs at Beijing Big Dave was worried that 'the enemy' might get hold of the super fast skinsuits, so rather than let their secrets go to the open market and follow the normal practice of flogging old kit at the Manchester Velodrome car boot sale, the said suits have been put through the shredder. They are now nothing more than a pile of slightly sticky goo and can be found next to the empty SIS bottles and half eaten pot noodles round the side of the riders car park.

More race cancellations.
In an attempt to beat the doom-mongers the organisers of the Tour of Sochi (that's in Russia) have canceled their race before it has ever had it's first edition. Genius, just genius. Why bother going to the bother of negotiating contracts with teams, TV and sponsors, only to have them sue you due to a last minute failure? Why not forgo all the attendant hassel that you get with running a race and just issue a press statement saying a race that has never taken place and that no-one had any idea was being planned is cancelled.

UCI continue to take the piss!
More piss taking at the UCI, this time for all the right reasons. It is claimed by a 'top secret source' that Uncle Pat is just days away from naming names in the UCI bio-passport programme test thing. Quite who these names are and quite what the offense is, is not clear. What is guaranteed is that the UCI will need some deep pockets as there is no doubt that whoever they 'finger' and whatever the charge the whole shooting match will finish up in a very expensive court case. Just as certain is that when the dust settles there will be bugger all change to anything, other than the UCI being poorer and several lawyers being a lot richer. Can't wait, personally, should provide a nice little side show to the current season.

On a separate UCI related issue I wish they would get their fingers out and grant a license to the Cinelli team. I've got a bet that Crazy Frankie will finish just five races over the coming year and the sooner the UCI get their finger out the sooner I can collect.


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Backing the right horse.

Hang on, hang on, the Tour de Qatar is turning out to be exciting. Has it always been like this? Perhaps I've just been a late riser and missed the previous action? So far this week we've seen a blasting Slipstream TTT, impressive without all of their big TTT guns, then a last ditch smash and grab from Rog Hammond, Boonan back to action, Cav puncturing, Cav winning, Cav doing that pointy salute and Cav loving his team. A race that I think of as being, start, side wind, echelon, head wind, echelon, peloton sprint turns out to be dead exciting, attacks, splits, aggression, blimey, you'd have thought someone would have been training.
But what really got me excited was the echelons on stage Hammond, truly a thing of beauty, a lesson in perfection to any aspiring racer and a good opportunity to play spot the new pro.

I can't get used to this, must be my age. Maybe I didn't warm up for the years spectating properly, maybe they've started too fast for me. Perhaps the winters 6 day and cross viewing has put me off the pace, races once a week, maybe I need a few day to get 'up to speed'.

Still I'm enjoying it now OK? :-)

Something else that I'm enjoying is the Tour de Langkawi, which this year see's a return to the gloriously daft Genting Highlands, a climb you wouldn't really want to think about riding, let alone race over. Langkawi has always appealed to me. Slightly exotic, full of crazy stages, cycling on a new frontier, whatever the reason it's been a favorite for years. It suited my slightly late rising and bleary eyed acceptance of a new road season. Guess now I'll have to set the alarm earlier.

Are you Chris Hoy?

It's good to see Boonan back to winning ways, his dalliance with the nose powder hopefully behind him. Now I'm no expert on Belgian law, but I suspect that Tom's celebrity status came into play a little here. Over in the land of the frit, Tom is not just back page news, he's on the front page, in the life style supplements, the cookery pages, the motoring pages and doubtlessly on occasion even in the cycling coverage. For those of us in the UK having a cyclist with this much media exposure is a concept I suspect we find both appealing and slightly frightening. Sir Chris is the closest we have to that, but thankfully Sir Chris hasn't yet made it to the latest copy of 'My celebrity Goldfish monthly'.

Armstrong aside, Sir Chris is the one cyclist most of the British public know. A few weeks ago I was on a BC coaching course in a local hotel and one of the staff asked me if Chris Hoy was in the meeting room with us. I doubted that we could have had anyone pass themselves off as Sir, so I answered in the negative and lost the possibility of an evenings free booze.

For those of us in the UK the last 12 months have been, well, if not unexpected then just a little surprising. There are some of us no doubt who are walking round thinking 'Told you so' or 'It won't last'. Of course, as the skeptic in me will say, 'only time will tell'. But if I look at this logically, this being the current position of cycling in the UK, things do indeed look bright. A profile of success that most other UK sports would cut of various body parts for, a youth development programme that should ensure more high quality athletes for years to come, media partners with money, a raised profile for the sport in general, more people on bikes, cycling being discussed in the back passages of power (Westminster). And most wondrous of all a national body (BC) that seems to be setting the national bench mark for sporting excellence. When your Performance Director becomes the 5th most powerful sports person in the country and other sports are beating a path to your door to discover 'the magic' you kind of get the feeling that we, as a sport, are well placed to take advantage of all the attention and all the cash. There you go, I always knew I'd backed the right horse.

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Never mind the heat, feel the cold hard cash.

I'd give it another month before you start getting excited about anything that's happening on the road if I were you.

As the cross and 6 day season winds down, it falls to the sports crazed cousin, road racing, to enliven us for the coming year. But he hasn't started yet has he? As I write all we've had the Tour de Downunder and the first stage of Qatar.

Tour de Downunder? Tour de Downunder? Has there ever been so much media hype about such a boring race? The worlds media descended on South Australia as gossip columnists elbowed cycling jurno's in the face in an effort to get front row at the press conferences. The great and the good of Aussie society joined it's politicians in turning up for hospitality and photo opportunities. All of them proclaiming their love of cycle racing, all of them telling anyone who would listen that they always ride a bike and that cycling is the greatest sport in the world. Well F*** me.
If this is what it's like with a 'low key' bike race 10,000 miles from cycling heartland what the hell's it going to be like come July?

Lets have a look at the race, nothing much wrong with it as a race if you ask me. Something for the locals to aim at as they attempt to generate some sponsor type excitement and nothing much wrong if you're a European team and want a little pre-season warm up. But for the UCI to hold it up as a top class event is taking the piss. And for the event to be sold as something approaching the TdF in terms of a sporting challenge is ever so slightly wrong.
The organisers may well have dreams of attracting the stars and even of attracting the stars when they are competitive, or God knows, maybe even attracting the stars and getting them to race seriously for the overall. But lest face it this is a long, long way off. Maybe when Uncle Pat looks into his crystal ball he may well see a future where big time races attract major teams across five continents for twelve months of the year or maybe he just sees a half empty beer glass and a sobbing pissed bloke, I dunno. But what I do know is that just because a race organiser and the UCI think it's a major race on the global calendar doesn't make it so.

But good luck to the organisers, I doubt if there has ever been so many journalists drawn to a bike race that have known so little about what was going on. Still, as with all great bike races, ply the punters with the best local wines and you'll get star ratings and a great write up.

Hows the bank balance?

Still Qatar is where it's at this week. The race that is currently being sold as the Tour de France mark 2 attempts to kick start the excitement for the coming European season. A little closer to Europe, fewer media hacks and no pesky locals steeling the 'Pro' teams limelight does not, as yet, generate much excitement. Sure the race is talked up, which race isn't, but the sprinters aren't yet at full speed and whilst a few psychological points can be scored we all know the real action is at last a month away.
Back in the 60's and 70's the pre-season action was in the South of France, 'Grande Prix this' and 'Trophy the other' provided a little light competition for the teams prior to a Belgian spring. Nowadays the money has moved East and so have the pre-spring races.

Publicity wise the Tour de Qatar had it's limelight stolen this year, with Lancey boy grabbing all the headlines Downunder the media Jonnies in the land of sand needed to pull something out of the proverbial 'look at me, look at me' bag. So what could be better than the claim that Le Tour de France was going to start in Qatar, brilliant. Imagine the massive crowds, imagine the electric atmosphere, imagine the publicity caravan in the desert, imagine the hoards of locals turning to the bike as a means of transport, imagine ASO's bank balance.

That's what I like to see, the real action, the real excitment is where it always was, in the bank account of race organisers.

BTW

Oh, nice one Rog, who said Qatar wasn't exciting?


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