When I asked for a blood sample.......

Cycling it would seem is not the only sport where madness is high on the agenda, Rugby Union also seems to clock up it's fair share of strange events. Dean Richards of Harlequins has been banned from coaching for 3 years for his part in a 'fake blood scandal'. Of course Rugby Union is nowhere as good a sport as cycling and this 'scandal' is proof positive.
Fake blood? Fake bloody blood? Bloody fake fakey bloody blood? Call that a scandal, in cycling we don't mess about with fake blood we use the real thing, gallons of it, your own blood, someone else's blood, blood from a fridge, blood from a clinic, blood from a Spanish doctor. And we don't just splash a few drops on or lower lips on no, we mix it with anything we can get our hands on, EPO, CERA, Testosterone, speed, recovery drink, coffee, lard, sometimes we mix the whole lot together and down a few pints before the morning training run. Fake blood my arse, call that a scandal?

Latest transfer news.

It's been confirmed that AC (That's Alberto Contador not AC from operation Puerto) is not moving teams, that is unless he moves teams. He will apparently stay at Astana and ride as personal assistant to the proudest son of Kazakhstan Alexander 'Me? I've just been on holiday for 2 years' Vinokourov.
Brilliant, if ever there's a contract that someone wishes he hadn't signed it must be Contadors, it was all going swimmingly, there he was main man in a team funded out of a county that had been put on the map by having the piss taken out of it. Still, he was number one and then? And then it all went wrong, up comes Lancey Boy and suddenly AC (That's Alberto Contador not AC from operation Puerto) is a number 2 and then just as he was thinking about leaving for pastures new some damn cycling official waves a contract under his nose and mutters something about carring water for Vinokourov (who as we all know only wins on water).
His only hope now is that Vlad the impaler gets a global ban, and gets sacked and thus allows C d'E to free up enough cash to buy him out of his contract.

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What if Sky don't sign you ?

Time to raise the anti-doping bar.

Team Sky are rightly proud of the research they are doing into riders backgrounds and their test results / blood passport numbers before signing them. So if a rider signs for them we can make an assumption that they are pretty damn clean.
But what of the riders they don't sign? Is it a sign that the rider in question has something to hide? Is it a sign that their passport is ever so slightly stained? Is it a sign that they owned up to something under Big Daves thorough cross examination?
Have Sky raised the bar in the anti-doping fight? In the future will suspicion now fall not on riders that produce unexpected performances but on riders that reach the end of a contract and don't sign for Sky? Will it be a question of They didn't sign for Sky, therefore they must have 'issues'!

What is more interesting is will other teams follow suit, indeed will Garmins actions in posting the power and blood values of their riders especially VDV and Wiggo set another new trend? Teams may talk about transparency, which is of course just talk, and do sod all about that transparency. So it's gratifying to see that Sky and Garmin are both putting their money where their mouths are, it's about time other teams followed suit, indeed it's about time that the UCI requested open publication of riders power and blood results as a pre-requisite for all future team licenses. I fully accept that this would require the UCI excreting some kind of authority over and above their usual level of rhetoric, but maybe they could be forced to play catch up here? Or maybe they could just go on holiday as per......


More Kohl cobblers.

It's been a good few weeks since twatty face Kohl as been in the news. But he's back now with more dope fuelled revelations. As with all his utterances there is a sad air of inevitability about them. I'm not in the least bit surprised at the latest one's, that is, that his manager Stefan Matschiner bribed anti doping labs to find out the exact level at which doping products could be detected, thus allowing the needle to go into the arse at just under the point where it would show as positive. What I'm interested to know is what the UCI are doing with all this information, Are they formulating new policy based on it? Looking at the work done in the labs called into question? Looking at the scientists involved and not just the labs? Attempting to findout if any other teams are up to the same tricks? Cos if one's doing it you can bet your bttom btacket that they're not alone. Ary they sharing any information wiht national anti doping bodies, the IOC, the police? I would be more than a little surprised if the answer to any of these question was yes.

Other sports - more shocking revelations.

Having recently wondered out loud about the point of other sports and making the case for turning their venues over to cycling events I was more than a little alarmed to find out that some sports are still living in the dark ages, er, not.

It would appear that the England cricket team have had players injured playing football! Note the word player, for me that implys certain things, it implys an armature approach and a certain lack of commitment. Anyway, someone or the other has got injured playing football as part of their warm up routine for cricket. Er, different sports, different biomechanical actions, different, though admittedly similar physoligical requirements, different kit and therefore technique, etc etc. As a cycling coach if one of my riders wanted to warm up for a road race by, say, going for a run, playing football or riding a BMX I'd say a big no. So what gives with cricket? Ah yes, players not competitors.
Is it perhaps a coincidence that the sports where GB excels / does well in, cycling, rowing, possibly swimming are the sports that have a scientific apprach to preparation, warm up and competition. In other words sports that are professional in attitude and approach not just in name.


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An inglorious return

Well after a whole month of excessive coaching stuff, riders at champs, courses and even a little 'real world' work I'm back at the coal face of ill judged ranting and semi libelous cynicism.

Mind you my return is in no way as inglorious as Vinokourovs, back and back to his winning ways. I've no idea if his winning is in any way connected to his old ways or to new ways, but there you go, he's back.
He's talking joining Astana and Caisse d'Eparhne are talking 2nd sponsor to get Contador into the black. I mean why not, they've been riding for him all year and AC (That's Alberto Contador, not AC from Operation Puerto) has probable had enough of being tossed around at Astana, one day he was a number one and the next Lancey boy turned up, turned in a more than decent ride and then rode off with most of the team, and oh, he didn't get paid for a few months. Me thinks that if someone was to offer C d'E a tenner he'd be off.

BTW Vinokourov said "I wanted to go to all out. My goal was to test myself" - well I guess he knows all about testing.

And you thought the UCI were stupid!

Now I know I have, on occasion, let rip in the direction of the UCI, however, I should like to point out that the UCI are in no way better or worse than any other international governing body. A few weeks ago we had the world swimming champs and with it a slew of world records that is second only to the records set on the day 'Records began' (as in today was the wettest day since records begain). And was it all down to extra super training? nope, was it all down to new super 'juice'? - oh no, it was down to super fast costumes, made of I don't know what (and can't be arsed to find out) they allowed hundredths, tenths, seconds and in some cases days to be slashed of previous records. This of course caused much uproar, were they fair? Was technology taking over from good old fashioned hard work? Who was to blame? Needless to say FINA acted with UCI like efficiency and banned the suits, from next year, but hey they did something.
Not only did they ban them, but they issued an instruction that all future suits should be made from and get this, made from 'material' ! Genius, pure UCI genius. What the bloody hell are they made from now? Cabbages?

Le Tour de 2010, 78 teams apparently.

So, Le Tour is over and like all good soaps next years has started in earnest. Speculation about who will and who won't be there is building to such a crescendo that I can hardly stay awake. Apparently there will be a restriction on the number of teams with 20 being ASO preferred guess. Meanwhile there will be 3 new Radio Shack, Team Sky and team 'Is Sean Kelly still riding for them' along with the current 18 lucky recipients of the UCI's largess that, if my maths is correct is 21 and as we all know from school 21 will not fit into 20.
But you know what, this is cycling and we love nothing better than cold hard cash and cold hard publicity, Shack have Lancey boy and Sky has, well Sky has the worlds biggest media machine, Big Dave Brailsford and his meticulous planning and a super strong anti-doping policy, so they're riding then. Skill then? Well they had a decent Tour this year, not coming away with much, but aggressive and on the TV in a lot of breaks. And when compared to the pathetic showing from Lampre they look to be a shoe in.

But race day is still many months away, time for riders to change teams, time for twats to get busted and time for someone to win the odd race (The tour of Poland,that's an odd race). I suspect we will have a classic compromise and see all 21 on the start line. Still there's still time for a name or 2 to fall foul of the testers and spare eveyones blushes.

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French do well at Tour de France shock!

Amazing isn't it.

A week and a bit in, a French team in yellow and three stage wins by Frenchmen, that's riders born in France, who hold real French passports and everything.
Just imagine the odds you'd have got on that 10 days ago?

4 more years, 4 more years, 4 more years.

Is the chant as Uncle Pat is re-elected to the post of 'Man behind the desk' at the UCI.
“I think it’s healthy that there’s only one candidate as it shows that the other continents outside of Europe are satisfied with how the UCI is working, and that the most important continent, Europe, is also satisfied and doesn’t want division,” Says Uncle Pat.
Well that's one way of looking at it, there is, as always an alternative view. Lets say you're walking along the street and you see a man with a dog, the dog stops, squats down and deposits a giant steaming turn on the pavement. Do you rush up to the owner saying 'Here, mate, let me pick up that giant steaming turd .' or do you walk past shaking your head and thinking 'rather you than me'. IMHO that's pretty much the situation with world cycling, it's steaming a bit and no one will go near it except for the dog owner.

Oh and since when has having only one candidate been healthy?

Radio is cleaning up the nation. They say you'd better listen to the voice of reason, but they don't give you any choice cos they think that's it is treason.

Or so sang Mr Elvis Costello. And so said Mr Johan Bruyneel. Didn't the teams agree to the two no radio days a month or so back? So why wait until the Tour has actually started to get teams to sign a petition? Would it not have been possible to start a discussion back in June when the radioless days were initially announced and then by all means if there was a stalemate and teams / riders were still unhappy, then stage a protest?
That would have seen the sensible option, but this is cycling and the sensible option is often a foreign country. So Bruyneel runs around the night before the stage with a sheet of A4 getting team managers to sign on the dotted line, well that's good use of the time of one of the worlds most powerful managers.

But of course the event wasn't handled well by anybody, as usual cycling officialdom seems unable to start a coherent dialogue with anyone and planning and communication don't seem to enter their minds. Meanwhile there are knee jerk reactions and protests in response. This whole affair should have been in discussion from the start of the season, or last season or whenever, there should have been meetings and the case for and against radios should have been made and being cycling a compromise would have been reached. Instead though we have the riders getting an extra days recovery (I doubt they mind) and the sport looks like a fool in the eye's of the worlds press.

This is exactly the reason why having only one candidate for Uncle Pats job is a bad idea.

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Rest Day is the best day to talk bollocks

Monday - a day to put your feet up, a day to spin out those legs with a few easy miles, a day to talk to the press and tell them how great you are, how much your team loves you, a day to tell the world how great you are, a day to smile at the press and a day to tell the universe how great you are.

Do it yourself Tour de France Press conference.
Can't make it to a Tour press conference? Here's my own 'cut out and keep' DIY make your own press conference kit. Just sit down opposite you favourite invisible friend and utter some of the following phrases for that full Tour press fest effect.

There is no disharmony in the team
We are riding for each other
The best rider will be team leader
I'm feeling strong
I'm coming back next year
I may not win but I'm coming back next year
I will overcome any disharmony to finish strongly and come back next year
With my own team
That will do exactly as the management, sorry, as I say
And they won't ask any questions
And now if you could please form a queue
It's kissy kissy time

Next year you'll want one of these, no seriously you will.


This is a bicycle, a bicycle made by Giant, a bicycle approved by the UCI.

Well the first 2 statements are true. The third is open to question, Giant have said it's approved by the UCI, but the question is who did they ask? Cos you can bet you bottom Euro that if they'd have asked two members of the UCI technical committee they would have got 2 different answers. Still, it's a beauty eh?
Oh you think not?
Pierre-Henri Medas, Giant’s Global Road Category Manager says: “..the bike would be built solely for function, without concern about design aesthetics." So let's get one thing straight here, Giant have a job title that is Global Road Category Manager? Is that one of those management jobs where they stuck a load of words in a hat, pulled a few out at random and bingo, that's your job title?

Now it's all well and good making a bike that is built for function, but come on, for the average punter, the average weekend warrior function doesn't really come into it.
As long as it's basically bike shape we're happy. Function and UCI approval fall a long way behind aesthetics. What's the point of having a bike that is so functional that other cyclists piss them selves laughing when you ride by? What's the point of having a bike so functional that you develop the nickname 'twatty' as a result of riding it? What's the point of having a bike that's so ugly that you're embarrassed to be seen riding it? What's the point of having a bike that you don't want to shag?

Surely the only consideration when buying a bike is what does it look like? Colour, aesthetic lines, angles and finish are the only things that matter.
Oh and there are a few other points as well here.
One: if you're crap at TTing, you will still be crap, perhaps a couple of seconds faster, but still crap.
Two: If you don't train properly ie. specifically for your TT event then it ain't gonna make a dead fish of a difference what you ride.
Three: Giant say: it 'puts the rider in the most aerodynamic position of any bike currenly on the market'. Er no, sorry, but no! A bike will not put a rider in the most aerodynamic position it may well allow a rider to attain the best aero position for them, but that's it. If you want a great aero position get into a wind tunnel, or employ a good coach. The assumption from Giant is that low is best, low = faster. Well not always. You can get low, but if you have a curved back and you get too low you will disrupt the air flow and actually get more drag (ie. go slower) that if you had a more upright position.

Any news on the Sky team?

Er not yet

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Whatever happened to Cycling dot TV?

Now it's not beta it's turned to shit!

Are you feeling old? Do you sit around with you're mates and talk about the good old days? Do you reminisce about the bikes you rode and the races you watched? Do you hark back to a time when Cycling dot TV actually showed bike races and didn't seem to exist solely to take the piss?

I've always had a love hate relationship with CTV, I've loved the fact that I could watch bike races that I might not otherwise get to see (not having a satellite dish) and I've loved the cometary team (when Duffield wasn't included).
I've hated the way way it was difficult to find races on the back catalogue, hated the way the search function simply didn't work and hated the way Ivan Basso was continually trying to sell me a sodding Canondale.

But now all the love has gone, flushed away like EPO down the toilet when the testers come a'calling. So what's gone wrong? Well it seemed to start this year, suddenly races that used to be available were 'not available in your country'.
Each week I'd get an email telling me that exciting Pro Tour races were available and all I had to do was click on the link and log on. Except when I did click on the link and log on I got the 'not available in your country' tag. Now they know which country I live in, they have my membership details but they still send me emails telling me that the world of Pro cycling was just a click away, providing I change country that is.

Of course it is worth pointing out that the 'not available in your country' tag doesn't appear until you've wasted 20 seconds of your life watching one of their adverts :)

So what races are available? Well you have to go back to April to find anything that is available in my country. May? Nope, June? Don't think so, July? It's an empty cupboard. And don't bother looking ahead either, the upcoming events tab on the site is as empty as a Spanish fridge after the dope testers have visited.

Still, more fool me, pay out for 12 months of bike racing and get 7. Still more fool CTV - subscription cancelled and blog posts advising everyone else to do the same.

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YES it's an irregular course, its a bike RACE

Looks like the toys have been thrown out of the pram again.

One of the records broken this year has been the record for riders complaining about race routes. As with so much in pro cycling Lancey boy kicked of the latest trend by complaining that various elements of the Giro course were too steep too ride down, too twisty and turney and littered with burnt out cars. And yesterday at El Tour de la France there was complaints about the TTT course that to be honest amounted to the biggest level of toys out of the pram bollocks I've ever come across.
We have bikes worth 10,000 Euro, and in the end we can't use them properly because we're just busy trying to hold balance instead of putting our power on the pedals, Said Jens V, now I'm a huge fan of the Jenster, he's an outstanding rider, but come on Jens lighten up.
A TTT course should be about racing as a team, about cohesion, tactics and IMHO about bike handling skills as that team in a variety of conditions. I'm from the UK and I am not a tester and every time I see a long straight dead flat TT course my blood runs cold, so maybe I'm biased, ah well....
Oh, 10,000 bikes, maybe they were too expensive? Maybe not the right bit of kit? I dunno, next time try a 7005 / 105 combo :)

Indeed Lancey boys point about dangerous corners at the Giro may have been valid, sharp corners on a downhill are a risk, but the question is, are they an acceptable risk? I have no idea to be honest, but any turn in the road that's not up hill can be a risk if you're racing on the edge, if you're pushing it to make or take time. So lets get the men in their fluro tabards with tape measures and speed guns stopping the peloton every Kilo to make sure there there's no danger.

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