Untraining - how to achieve that valley performance.

Untraining.
Riders spend vast amounts of time, money and effort getting into peak condition. Miles are ridden, coaches hired, diets strictly adhered to and power output measured and dissected. Now all this is well and good whilst you are still racing, but what happens as old Father time starts gaining on you in the team pursuit of life and you need to slow down, take it easy and slowly move to a state where you just ride occasionally for fitness?

Now there's all sorts of advice aimed at reaching park performance, but precocious little aimed at reaching, what I refer to as Valley performance. That is until now.

Although still in the early stages of development Valley performance is aimed at slowly accustoming the rider to a more sedentary life style and yet still managing to be at the peak for what ever form of idleness they have planned. Lets put it another way, you were the fastest Kilo rider on the block, but now time marches on you want to train less but still need the feeling of working to a schedule, of running your now sedentary life to a fully coached plan. Now you want to be the best cake eater on the block, the fastest biscuit eater, or the ex-rider that can consume the most chocolate.
Well the good news is that the top sports scientists and coaches, here at 'Sometimes I'll go training' have been developing such a programme for many years.
We have been testing this programme on many (once) 'top athletes' and quite a few (never were anywhere near being a) 'top athletes' and our initial findings indicate that the programme will be a success.
So as a way of wetting your appetite I'll leave it at that and go and read some of our 'top' research papers (or the back of beer mats, as we prefer to call them) with a view to delivering a full untraining valley schedule soon.

OK here it is in full.
The Valley programme, untraining for professionals.
This is a simple six week programme aimed at delivering the elite athlete to a state of idleness.
Prior to commencement we request that all athletes stop competition four weeks prior to beginning the untraining programme.
In this example we will take a thirty five year old ex international rider who currently holds an elite license.
All food and drink listed should be added to your daily consumption unless other wise stated.


Week one:
Saturday: 25 mile ride at 40% of maximum power. After ride refuel with 4 chocolate biscuits, 3 cups of tea or coffee and 1 bag of crisps (ready salted)
Sunday: Stay in bed until 11am. Then 20 mile ride at 40% of maximum power. After ride refuel with 6 chocolate biscuits, 3 cups of team or coffee, 1 doughnut (jam not cream)
Monday: Recovery day, eat 3 bags of crisps.
Tuesday: 20 mile ride at 35%. During ride stop after 10 miles at local cafe. Consume beans on toast and 1 bacon sandwich. After ride 4 chocolate biscuits and 3 tea or coffee.
Wednesday: 20 mile ride at 35%. After ride 6 chocolate biscuits. Lay in bed for at least 4 hours before getting up for evenings activities.
Thursday: 20 mile ride at 30%. After consume as for Wednesday.
Friday: Rest / recovery day – don't get out of bed

Week Two
Saturday: 20 mile ride at 25%. Stop after 5, 10 and 15 miles and consume 1 doughnut (jam not cream). After ride 4 chocolate biscuits and 3 tea or coffee
Sunday: As above, but 6 biscuits instead of 4.
Monday: Rest / recovery day, eat 3 bags of crisps
Tuesday: 20 mile ride at 20% of maximum power. Stop after 10 miles for 1 bacon sandwich, 1 pork pie and 2 cups of tea or coffee. After ride 6 chocolate biscuits and 2 tea or coffee.
Wednesday: 15 mile ride at 20%. Stop after 10 miles for 1 bacon sandwich (no pork pie this time) 2 cups of tea or coffee. After ride, 8 chocolate biscuits.
Thursday: 15 miles. Stop after 5 and 10 miles and eat a bacon sandwich at each point. After ride 8 chocolate biscuits 2 tea / coffee and 1 bag of crisps
Friday: Rest / recovery day – don't get out of bed

Week Three – From now on replace water / energy drink in your bottle with Coke, Sunny Delight, Dream Topping
Saturday: 15 mile ride at 15%. Stop after 5 and 10 miles, eat 1 pork pie at each stop. After ride 10 chocolate biscuits 3 tea / coffee, 1 Mars bar 8 jaffa cakes
Sunday: 15 miles at 15%. Stop after 5 and 10 miles, eat 1 pork pie and 1 Mars bar at each stop. After ride 10 chocolate biscuits 3 tea / coffee, 1 Mars bar 10 jaffa cakes
Monday: Rest / recovery day, eat 3 bags of crisps, 1 Mars bar and 12 jaffa cakes
Tuesday: 15 miles at 15%. Stop after 5 and 10 miles, eat 1 pork pie and 2 Mars bars at each stop. After ride 15 chocolate biscuits 3 tea / coffee, 1 Mars bar 15 jaffa cakes
Wednesday: 10 mile ride at 15%. Stop after 5 miles and eat 1 pork pie, 1 bacon sandwich, 1 Mars bar 20 jaffa cakes and 1 chocolate biscuit.
Thursday: 10 miles at 10% of (once) maximum power. Stop after 5 miles eat 3 bacon sandwiches, 2 Mars bars, 20 jaffa cakes and 1 custard cream.
Friday: Rest / recovery day – don't get out of bed. Order and eat 1 takeaway pizza and a packet of jaffa cakes.


Week Four
Saturday: Rest day. Eat 25 chocolate biscuits, 17 custard creams, 1 bacon sandwich, 1 pork pie and drink 5 tea / coffee / hot chocolate
Sunday: 10 miles at 10%. Stop after 5 miles eat 3 packets of jaffa cakes and 1 custard cream
Monday: Rest / recovery day, eat 4 bags of crisps, 3 Mars bars and 27 jaffa cakes
Tuesday: 10 miles at 10% Stop after 5 miles, 2 pork pies, 2 bacon sandwiches, 1 packet jaffa cakes, 1 packet chocolate biscuits, 1 custard cream.
Wednesday: 5 miles at 10% (of what you once called your maximum power output) After ride 2 pork pies, 2 bacon sandwiches, 1 packet jaffa cakes, 1 custard cream
Thursday: 5 miles at 10% after ride repeat above but add 1 jam sandwich (strawberry)
Friday: Rest / Recovery day- eat 2 tubs of hagen dass double chocolate ice cream and 1 custard cream

Week Five
Saturday:Rest / Recovery day. Ice cream as above, plus 2 pork pies, 2 bacon sandwiches, 2 packets of jaffa cakes, 1 packet chocolate biscuits and 1 custard cream
Sunday: Rest / Recovery day. Ice cream as above, plus3 pork pies,3 bacon sandwiches, 2 packets of jaffa cakes, 2 packet chocolate biscuits and 1 custard cream.
Monday: 5 miles at 5%. stop after each mile and eat 1 packet of jaffa cakes. After ride 1 tub ice cream, 2 pork pies, 2 bacon sandwiches and 1 custard cream
Tuesday: 5 miles at 5%. stop after each mile and eat 1 packet of jaffa cakes. After ride 1 tub ice cream, 3 pork pies, 3 bacon sandwiches, 1 packet chocolate biscuits and 1 custard cream
Wednesday: 5 miles at 5%. stop after each mile and eat 2 packets of jaffa cakes. After ride 2 tubs ice cream, 3 pork pies, 3 bacon sandwiches, 2 packet chocolate biscuits and 1
Thursday: Rest day, stay in bed and order 3 deep pan pizzas, 3 tubs ice cream and 1 custard cream
Friday: As above, but get up to have a shower as you're now getting a bit smelly. Don't forget the custard cream

Week Six
Saturday: 5 miles at 5%. Stop after each mile and eat 1 tub ice cream, 1 packet jaffa cakes, 1 bacon sandwich, 1 pork pie. After ride eat 1 custard cream.
Sunday: Rest day. Eat 3 tubs ice cream, 4 pork pies, 4 bacon sandwiches, 5 packets jaffa cakes 5 packets chocolate biscuits and 1 custard cream.
Monday: Go and look at your bike, Eat 4 tubs ice cream, 6 pork pies, 6 bacon sandwiches, 10 packets jaffa cakes 10 packets chocolate biscuits and 1 custard cream.
Tuesday: Remember you have a bike. Eat 6 tubs ice cream, 10 pork pies, 10 bacon sandwiches, 10 packets jaffa cakes 10 packets chocolate biscuits and 1 custard cream.
Wednesday: What's a bike? Eat as above, don't forge the custard cream.
Thursday: What's a thing with 2 wheels? Eat 10 tubs ice cream,20 pork pies, 20 bacon sandwiches, 20 packets jaffa cakes 30 packets chocolate biscuits and 1 custard cream.
Friday: Eat 100 custard creams.

You are now completely untrained and have reach valley performance – enjoy.