A look back at 2009

Using the power of time travel I will now look back at 2009, the mists are clearing.... I see a man in lycra, I see the police, I see a rubber glove..... oh er.....

January: The French florists federation begins legal proceedings against Kohl for the return of their floral bouquets. 'We feel outraged that our fine tradition of flower arranging is being tarnished by association with convicted dopers'. Said a spokesman

February: Stefan Schumacher gets his lawyers to sue God - 'he thinks I'm guilty' is the apparent reason

March: In an effort to stop retired riders stealing their limelight the UCI introduce a 'masters tour'. All riders have to be over 35, all bikes must be steel, all jerseys wool and doping products are restricted to amphetamines. 'We hope to return to the glory days of the sport' says Uncle Pat

April: Rapha introduce tweed shorts (£875) tweed insert £225 extra, tweed crash hat cover (£250), tweed socks (£2,500), tweed track mitts (£855), tweed bar tape (£400 per roll) and tweed bottles (£1.50)

May: Stefan Schumacher changes his name to Lance Armstrong and buys an Astana jersey off eBay, in an attempt to get back to racing. No one is fooled, except Alberto, who having lost the Giro is in a bad mood and hits him

June: Michael Ball tries to sign Dr Crippin for Rock Racing, 'He deserves a a second chance and wants to ride' says Ball

July: The first road stage of Le Tour is held up by protests. Not this time the local farmers protesting against improper sheep usage, or the local nuns striking for more dancing in the hills. No this time it's the 'European association of EPO dealers and Smugglers' who are protesting against the UCI's continued crack down on doping claiming it will put them out of business

August: Stefan Schumacher claims he is Napoleon and as such is not subject to the laws of the UCI, he threatens to sue the descendants of Lord Wellington or anyone who wears his boots or who lives there

September: Result of Le Tour still undecided (no change there then)

October: The UCI get round to requesting Vinokourovs ban be extended to two years, only to find he's had a sex change and has been racing as Hilda Knackerlova in the womens peloton for five months

November: Wii bike a big hit. The new Wii gadget, a white bike is a big hit. The UCI add Wii bike racing to the list of world championship events and British Cycling set up project Wii

December: Stefan Schumacher overheard muttering about Santa, Christmas could be canceled


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