Friday, 10 April 2009

My old man's a dustman.

I don't understand Japanese, not a word of it. I mean I like Japan, how can you not like a nation that gave the world Kerin racing. I like Japanese style, all this Zen archer stuff, you know, the' I close my eyes and I am at one with the target', all of that. I like Haiku, I'm partial to a little Sushi and indeed Mr Shimano makes a fine component. And who was not a fan of Oolong the Rabbit (look him up). But the speaking of Japanese is just something I can't manage.

And so it is like that with our wonderful world of cycling and our 'powers that be'. When Uncle Pat speaks it is as though a very kindly but slightly confused Japanese man is trying to give me directions. I can look where his arms are pointing, I can watch the smiles and the nods, but ultimately I still bloody lost and confused.

Uncle Pat has been commenting on the 'Lancey boy knocked up by a Froggy' case that is gripping the worlds mainstream media (meanwhile the rest of us are just enjoying a great classics season). And as ever he seems slightly confused.

I'm not going to comment, well, OK then, but just a small one. The laws say that once a tester (that's a bloke with a blood bag, not a man in black riding a 150 inch gear down a motorway at 5am), has identified himself to you you have to remain in his sight, until the sample is taken. "remain within direct observation of the DCO/Chaperone at all times from the point of notification by the DCO/Chaperone until the completion of the Sample collection procedure." Is what it says in the rule book.

As someone who's been trained in monitoring testing procedures I know that there's a good reason for that ie, it only takes a second or two for you to apply something to your anatomy that could invalidate the test. Believe me if it's a pain for the rider spare a thought for the tester, he has to spend time watching athletes pissing and crapping as part of his job.
Still we don't as yet know exactly what happened, I mean, lets just say Lancey boy needed a dump, maybe he said 'look man, I'm gonna take a shit, do you wanna come and watch' at which point anyone in their right mind would say 'on your bike'.

So what else is there to say? Sure I know Lance has been tested more than any other rider on the planet and that's just in the last couple of weeks and that he's, just as you or I would be, getting a little pissed off (TBH I admire his restraint, personally I'd have done a hell of a lot more swearing). In fact so regular are tests that Lance now assumes that any knock on his door is from a tester and has started getting his cock out as he opens the door. (Still it keeps unwanted callers away).
The man from the lab is reported as being tad on the shabby side with scruffy looking paperwork, so, sounds like a damn foreigner if you ask me. But ultimately this shouldn't have made any difference. The tester had identified himself and even though Lance and BJ (sorry JB) may well have thought he looked like a tramp, wandering off for a shower is a breach of procedure. I mean after you've ridden a stage of Le Tour and the Chaperon approaches you for testing you have to stay in their sight until after the test is completed (for the reason stated above), there's no, 'Sorry mate, never seen you before, I'm off for a shit, shower and a shave', what's the difference here? The quality of a mans choice of shoes it would seem.

Still right or wrong, Uncle Pat has pronounced that there hasn't been a breach of anything and that he will wait for someone else to make a decision before he makes his.
I suspect the outcome will be no outcome, Lance will still be a negative and the French labs will still be sending out tramps to piss him off on a regular basis. Lance and the French labs will continue to dislike each other and Uncle Pat will continue waiting on someone else to make his decisions for him. The more things change the more.... etc.....etc.....

Alejandro Valverde, half man half biscuit.

Have you ever taken kids on a long drive? Not much fun is it 'Are we there yet?', 'Are we there yet?' is the cry from the back seat.
'Soon, soon' reply the parents, knowing full well that they have many stressful hours ahead.

'Mum, Mum, when will Alejandro Valverde be arrested and banned' comes the cry from the back seat....... Uncle Pat looks over his shoulder and hopes the lights stay green

Oh Paris-Roubaix.

A win for Lotto then. Well come on, if none of the above made you smile you should be pissing yourself now.......


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