Meths - not recomended as a refuling option.

This week I did something I haven't done for almost 9 months, I bought a copy of Cycling Weekly. Ye Gods, as they say in the surprised and disappointed business. It's worse than I remember it. (But then so's the weather, the beer at the local pub and todays youth).

Perhaps the worst £2.50 I've spent since I bought that training programme off the tramp that lives behind the bins at Asda. Mind you the only problem with him was that his suggested mid race drink was meths, which is currently on the UCI banned list.
I stopped my subscription a couple of years ago and now pick up, maybe, a couple of issues a year. The reason for my sub cancellation was simple, I felt it was no longer relevant to me, as it had basically stopped covering bike racing in any sort of detail, or indeed in some cases, at all. So 300 years of loyal readership ended.

Leaving it on the top shelf!

Most of the racers I know stopped buying it years ago as well and now it would seem that their sales target are met by sportive riders and those new to cycling or who have a passing interest in the business of riding a bike. Which is fine, I don't have a problem with that, but what I don't get is why they can't cover both sides of the tracks? Still what do I know.
I know the winter was always a slack time at the world centre of cycling news, Croyden, but seriously, 4 pages of photos that some bloke took of his mates riding Sportives, for God sake.

One of the reasons I bought CW in the past was to keep up to date with all the top cycling news, which lets be honest it never really did in any depth, if you were a Brit and racing on the European mainland you could be forgotten as quickly as last years crash.
Nowadays I can get all I need from the web and in more detail as well. Open up my RSS feeder each morning and there are dozens of exciting and hilarious stories to chose from.

Still that's the moaning about a magazine I never buy over with for the next 12 months, by the way did I ever tell you how crap Shed Monthly has become over the last two years? And don't even get me started on Central Heated illustrated or Hinge Weekly..........

Talking of Crap.

Mr Sella has been handed a one year ban, for, wait for it, 'co-operating' over his drugs bust. This will doubtlessly enrage Ricco, Kohl and Schumacher, which, come on, is the reason he's been given a shorter ban than they have.

No doubt the UCI and WADA have got totally pissed off with the collective whinging and never ending statements of innocence that the three have come out with over the last few months. The UCI can't extend their bans, so the next best ting is to really piss them off, and giving a one year ban to Sella, who has remained silent throughout the whole process, is a good way of doing it.

Diary Date.
This week sees the supposed release of the names of the riders who have funny looking scores on the old blood passport.
I was going to list the current betting, but my lawyer has warned me against it. But if you have a few spare minutes before now and Friday you could keep yourself entertained by drawing up a list and seeing how accurate it is come D day.

Personally I can't wait, anything that beats a doper is a good laugh in my book, baseball bat, lead pipe, boxing glove, UCI blood passport, I'll support anything that names new figures of hate.

Whilst I can't predict the names, I can, amazingly, predict what they will say, they will of course be:
'Innocent'
'Victims'
'Wankers'
Depending on your view and whether or not you happen to be an CERA dealer.



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See you in court.

Stefan Schumacher to sue everyone on the planet.

Friday, it was cold, it was foggy, it wasn't a good day for playing out was it. Still my mood was lightened by the news that Stefan Schumacher was to sue everybody. I don't mean just the Docs who found his system dripping with magic juice. Oh no he's after everyone, the TdF, the French anti doping agencies and probably you and me for not believing him.

When a rider who was good, but not a world beater suddenly slaughters the worlds best TTers in two (count em) Tour de France TT's you have to raise an eyebrow. Well that's what we all thought didn't we, but apparently we were wrong. Just as with the Hamilton twins, just as with Ginger Floyd (what ever happened to his brother Pink?), it seems that he was right and the rest of the planet was wrong.
So sit back, put your feet up and enjoy, this is going to be a long one and should keep us entertained for the next couple of years. I don't expect it will develop the farcical extremes of the two mentioned above, but Stefan Schumacher has that manic glint in his eye, and that can only be a good sign.

This week has seen the annual CSC/Saxo/It-Factory survival camp take place. And this year they got to play with guns! Whether these will actually be used in a live combat situation, say if Astana start getting too big for their boots at Le Tour, or if Riis has really taken a strong anti-doping line and Kim Andersen is being used as a target is open to question, but as always good fun seems to have been had by all. The riders always speak highly of this team bonding exercise and it would appear it pays dividends during he road season. Maybe more teams should take a trip down toy soldier lane.
One team that seems to need no help in bonding is Rock Racing, the half way house for the rehabilitation of ex offenders.
Whilst I admire Michael Balls thirst for publicity and his charity work in giving ex dopers and riders past their sell by date a 2nd chance I was disappointed that he didn't sign Ginger Floyd. Still maybe he's keeping his powder dry, over the next few years there are going to be plenty of ex smack heads that will need rehabilitating back into the community, Stefan Schumacher, Kohl and their chums will be back in a couple of years, just as the Hamilton twins retire.

Meanwhile the UCI announce that there will be 18 Pro Tour teams registered for 09, but with 4 of those due to end sponsorship at the end of the upcoming season (Confidis, Milran, Lampre and AG2R). I wonder though how many will be there come 2010. Fuji-Servetto proves there are still companies willing to put money into the sport in a big way but I doubt if Milram will be here much longer. They have already talked about pulling out even before the seasons started, still nothing to do with Schumacher is it. Perhaps the riders and staff that lose their jobs could sue Steffan I'm sure he wouldn't mind, he seems to have some spare time on his hands.


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Bernhard Kohl - your spaceship has landed.

Under the cardboard box, down the dark alley, live the UCI.

So Alexander Vinokurov is starting a 'charm offensive'. Christ that's something I'd like to see, must be some offensive.
He's been on on the bike with Andrei Tchmil. Andri though is none to keen on a linkup with the Kasak smack head as his team is registered in Switzerland, apparently down the same dark alley as the UCI, so it might be a tad embarrassing.

But help is at hand, it looks like he's about to get his ban jacked up from one to two years, as it should have been in the first place, but then hey, you expect the UCI to abide by or even understand it's own rules? Have you learnt nothing?



Bernhard Kohl - your spaceship has landed.

Bernhard Kohl is in trouble again! It would seem his manager is suing him for damages, allegedly. So having been banned for two years by the Austrian anti doping agency, the Alien now has to go to France to go through the whole process again.
You'd have thought with all this going on Kohl would have been busy, well apparently he is. But not too busy to whinge to the press about his treatment. FFS,
"In my testimony, I didn't protect anyone who could receive a sports sanction," said the Alien, the implication is of course that he did protect people who could receive a non sports sanction.

It's the whinging that pisses me off. I kind of hope that when they catch some twat for doping that should be the last we hear of them until they either return after a ban or die, which ever is sooner. But sadly this isn't the case, look at Landis, look at the Hamilton twins, the rubber chicken, the list goes on an on and on and on... Maybe the UCI should introduce additional penalty time for whinging, maybe stick an extra 2 months on the ban for every instance of winging. At that rate we'd all be saying Tyler who? Floyd who? Oh happy day.

Full House, tickets available via touts only.

For those of us who are regular at Manchester Velodrome, as riders, coaches or spectators the sudden influx of fans is, well, somewhat surprising, not surprising as in yuck, but surprising as in where have you been!
This years world cup sold out with the kind of rapidity that you normally expect for a boy band reunion tour and the Revolution is going just as fast. Rev 21 was sold weeks before the event as has 22 and I expect 23 and 24 will go the same way.
So how's the track fairing in Europe? Well 6 days are booming as always in Belgium and Holland, brim full most nights in Italy and uneven in Germany. So maybe there's a lesson to be learned. Maybe in some countries filling a hall for 6 consecutive nights is a lot harder than it used to be. Maybe a shorter programme 4 nights, 3 nights is the way to go.

Whilst I love the 6 day scene I have never understood why they have to be 6 days, why not 7 or 5, or 4? After all how many days does the four days of Dunkirk last? Not four I can tell you.
Would a 3 day event revitalise the track scene in parts of Germany?
With new tracks starting to pop up not just in the UK, but across Europe maybe more Revolution style events is the way to go, each week across the continent Friday, Saturday and Sunday could be Revolution nights. New fans, less stress for the riders, more marketing opportunities? Why scrap a 6 day race because you can only fill seats for 3 or 4 days? Why not make it a 3 or 4 day race?



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Stand-up comedy, there's money it it you know.

Be afraid, be very afraid.

As light relief to the current round of dopers winging about how innocent they are we have been treated to the Garmin team launch.

And a big On The Banking cheer to David Millar, an ex doper who rather than sit on his ass and whinge about how tough life is has taken to performing stand-up comedy. Way to go Dave, lets top up that pension plan.


Will Bos be the new boss?

Theo Bos has signed for Rabobank Continental. Following a year in which his performances on the track have been, well, not as good as he would have expected, to say the least. Theo has decided that having spent all year getting his backside kicked by the big fella from Scotland he'll now spend next year getting his backside kicked by the little fella from IoM.

Theo has been something of the media star in the Netherlands of late, regular TV appearances of the Celeb type have made him a household name, but have also been blamed for a string of below average performances.

So will Theo make the transition? Well, track sprinters do actually ride their road bikes, but it's mostly recovery, unless they can't get to a track in which case there are 'track' efforts on the road. But one or the other, both are short and sweet. The real work for any track sprinter will be on the track and in the gym.

Over the years Theo will have built a lot of bulk that will with out a doubt be a hindrance on the road and his body will have to adjust to a totally different training programme, so I guess the first few years will be redefining his body to get used to the different regimes of training and competition that he will face. Will he be winning sometime soon? I think he will, a couple of crits in Holland and maybe a shorter flat stage or two, but will he be there at the end of 250K, no way, at least not for several years.
It'll be an interesting experiment in a way, can track sprinters make a successful transition to the road? Well it depend on how you define successful, winning the odd chipper? then yes, winning tour stages? Hummmm, not sure.

It's kind of wierd, but before this news broke I was talking to someone about track / road transition for sprinters and we talked about the mental angle as much as the physical side of things. Sprinting out of a peloton at full gas, with riders hooking and flickin left right and centre, sitting behind a train for 10k as they wind up the pace are as much a matter of mental aptitude as they are physical ability.
Theo will be used to sprinting mano-a-mano, or at most from a group of 4 on a clear velodrome, with nice dry surfaces and no head wind, out of a peloton, round tight bends, into a rainy headwind with Columbia on one side and Quick Step on the other is going to be quite a diffierent matter.

Still that aside I wish him luck, I like Theo, he's a nice fella. And certainly another fast sprinter in the peloton will make the final gallop even more interesting. Don't look for much in the first few years, but Theo is still only 25 and he's a fast learner and this move is clearly a new challenge for him, so he'll be super motivated, give it a few years and it could be interesting.


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Just don't call me Ginger.

I'm not Ginger Beer, says former cyclist.

Hot of the legal press: The US Federal Court is bracing itself for a full frontal attack as supposed owner of Ginger hair 'Floyd ' I like a whiskey' Landis' attempts to prove to the world that at no point in his past did he ever have Ginger hair.

'I'm no Ginger minger, I never have been and I never will be.' Said a Ginger minger.

The latest count is almost$1.8 million for the World anti Ginger agency and close to $2 million for the man with the hair.

Mr Landis has so far been found guilty of possession of ginger pubes, a ginger tash, a ginger toupee and ginger eyebrows, by the UCI, the French agency for the prevention of Ging, the Olympic anti Ging alliance, the USAGA and that nice blond Mr Lemond, who hasn't got a ginger hair on his body!

'My hair is not ginger', fumed Landis, 'granted in the heat of a summer day and after a few whiskeys it can look a bit ginger, but if any ginger hairs have been found on me I can honestly say they are not mine.'

Should you like to contribute to Mr Landis hair dye fund all contributions of the following will be welcome: ruby red, cherry blossom, sunset rust, Australian earth and Martian crater.

Meanwhile:

Alien number 2 (Bernhard Kohl) has been banned for 2 years. His ban coming in just ahead of the UCI's proposed 4 year ban is bad news for those of us hoping that he'd just piss off and never trouble us again. Sadly he will be talking comeback sooner rather than never.

He seemed a little upset though, aw, diddums. It seems that he 'made my statement and was honest' and was therefor hoping to get a reduced sentence. Look just sod off will you, all that crap on TV and in the press about how much pressure you were under, all that shite about losing your contract at the end of the season, just give it a rest will you.

And talking of arrest......
Young master Ricco is up before the French beak and the French beak wonder why they have a sniveling little turd in front of them (the two may or may not be connected). The beak is currently wondering what to do with the 'starling', or what ever he was called. I can offer some help here, throw the book at him and lock him up. Oh it would be a day of celebration if a convicted doper actually had to do prison time for their crimes. Now as Ricco would be in a delicate emotional state I assume he would be put on suicide watch, on second thoughts......


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Cav - he really is jolly good, don't you know.

He flies through the air with the greatest of ease.


Todays Observer has a fine, fine, fine interview with his royal Cavness. Perhaps the most indepth and intelligent interview we have had with the Cannonball.

What does come across though, or at least what is mentioned, almost in passing, is that Cav upsets a fair few folk on the cycling scene. So what's my take on this, well my take is, quite simply, Bloody good show old chap, as they say in the London stockbroker belt (sorry dole central, as it is now known).

There are many reason to enjoy Cavs antics on the bike.

Firstly he wins, now there was a time when this was a rare as hens teeth in British Cycling. In-fact not only does he win, but he leaves some of the worlds fastest sprinters floundering in his wake. So max points for that.

Secondly he is passionate about the sport and about winning. None of the old time plucky loser cobblers for Cav, no, he loves winning, he wants to win and he believes he's going to win.

Thirdly, well thirdly, his heart is on his sleeve. Cav knows he's going to win and as a result his is both confused and pissed off when he doesn't.
He doesn't go into the final 200m thinking 'Oh I could do well here, if I try really, really hard.' he goes in thinking 'I'm gonna win, I faster than everybody else, so I'm gonna win' his whole body is preparing for victory and as a result there is not a micron of his being that is being wasted thinking about escape strategies, consciously or subconsciously.

Get a blank look after you ask him what it's like not to win the stage? Er, what exactly do you expect? Ten minutes of self analysis, followed by a promise to do better tomorrow? Give it a rest.

Fourthly, He's a character. God knows we're short enough of those at the moment. In a peloton of worthies, earnest triers and faceless plodders we need all the passion and character we can get. Cav's up there with the great characters, he's not quite as much of a showman as Chippo was, I doubt anyone will ever be, and his post race interviews lack the lewd, rude and unprintable that Chippo often managed, but hey, he's young, he'll develop.
I remember being at a track meet and after Cav won he rode along the straight high fiving it with the crowd. Pure class if you ask me.



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Alternative careers for dopers

Jörg Jaksche says NO to pro cycling!

One ex doper who isn't making a return to racing is Jörg Jaksche. In a move that outraged the world of Professional cycling Jörg Jaksche has admitted that he has no desire to race again and instead will concentrate on his law studies and hopes to become a lawyer.

When asked by the UCI to explain this outrage Jaksche responded:
'I always intended to return to cycling, but during the hearing I found out how much I was going to have to pay my lawyer and I thought sod this for a game of soldiers. I can earn ten times as much sitting on my ass. Also it has to be said, there are no dope tests for lawyers so I won't need to give my whereabouts 24 hours a day.'

Hurray for Jorg. If the UCI seriously want to rid the sport of dopers they could do a lot worse than set up a careers service offering alternative careers for ex-dopers. When I say alternative careers I mean something other than appearing on TV saying how sorry they are, or how they were a victim or best of all how innocent they are. I have some suggestions:
Michael Rasmussen could become a sparing partnet for Joe Calzaghe, Riccardo Ricco could become crash test dummy and the Tyler Hamilton twins could join the circus as part of the traveling freak show.

Lock up your medicine cabinets.

And talking of freaks I'm pleased to see Rudy Pevenage is off to become DS for Rock Racing. Now there's a match made in heaven if ever there was one.
Logically it makes a lot of sense, you're a mid range US team, you want to race at a higher level in Europe, you need a DS with experience and knowledge of the races, one who's well known in the peloton. Sadly Rudy Pevenage's experience is mainly of avoiding dope controls and dishing out the pills during his time at Telecom.
When Rudy was Rudy and his Telecom boys were in town it wasn't so much a case of 'Lock Up your daughters.' as 'Lock up your medicine cabinets.'

Still, hat's off to Michael Ball, he likes to give people a second chance, which under the current climate is all fine and dandy. And they say all publicity is good publicity so for next to nothing Ball gets a ton of coverage across the globe for his product.
And you know what it works, only yesterday I went out into the garden and picked up a couple of rocks, mind you I made sure I gave then a full blood test before I bough them into the house.


Wanted more fat men in cycling.

Spend your time with cyclists and you begin to think 'Obesity crisis, what obesity crisis'.
Cyclists are far too obsessed by their weight. Most of us complain about being a couple of kilos over weight, although what this mythical weight is we never make clear. There is however an unwritten understand that all any of us need to do is shed those few kilos and we'll soon be 'flying'. Although actual doing some quality training would be the answer for most of us.

So it's with great pleasure that I've been catching up with the Ghent 6.
Ghent is a great 6 day race, and is, what I believe today's young people call ' Well old school, daddy-O' init!'
The reason for my love of Ghent, isn't just due to the racing. Oh no, my love of Ghent is due to Joop Zijlaard .
Joop is a Derny driver, well that's not strictly true, he is the Derny drivers Derney driver. He is to driving a Derny what Cav is to the final 200 of a race, that is the undisputed king.

Joop combines the three elements that make for a great 6 day race.
1 - Showmanship, quite simple no one, including the riders, is as great a showman as Joop, playing to the crowd, taking the piss out of his fellow drivers, toying with the riders, Joop could keep the crowd entertained on his own for most of the evening.

2 - Skill. His size belies his competitive nature, allied to an inate ability to know where he is on the track. Throw in a sense of timing and understanding of racing that most riders don't have and you're on to a winner.

3 - Bulk. Sitting behind a Derney will knock about a third of the air resistance out of your way as you peddle round. Sit behind Joop and you have a void where there is barely enough air to breath, result almost zero wind resistance.

And for a sponsor? He's a dream, you can get as much advertising on one Joop as you can on a whole team of skinny climbers.

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