Friday, 21 November 2008

Alternative careers for dopers

Jörg Jaksche says NO to pro cycling!

One ex doper who isn't making a return to racing is Jörg Jaksche. In a move that outraged the world of Professional cycling Jörg Jaksche has admitted that he has no desire to race again and instead will concentrate on his law studies and hopes to become a lawyer.

When asked by the UCI to explain this outrage Jaksche responded:
'I always intended to return to cycling, but during the hearing I found out how much I was going to have to pay my lawyer and I thought sod this for a game of soldiers. I can earn ten times as much sitting on my ass. Also it has to be said, there are no dope tests for lawyers so I won't need to give my whereabouts 24 hours a day.'

Hurray for Jorg. If the UCI seriously want to rid the sport of dopers they could do a lot worse than set up a careers service offering alternative careers for ex-dopers. When I say alternative careers I mean something other than appearing on TV saying how sorry they are, or how they were a victim or best of all how innocent they are. I have some suggestions:
Michael Rasmussen could become a sparing partnet for Joe Calzaghe, Riccardo Ricco could become crash test dummy and the Tyler Hamilton twins could join the circus as part of the traveling freak show.

Lock up your medicine cabinets.

And talking of freaks I'm pleased to see Rudy Pevenage is off to become DS for Rock Racing. Now there's a match made in heaven if ever there was one.
Logically it makes a lot of sense, you're a mid range US team, you want to race at a higher level in Europe, you need a DS with experience and knowledge of the races, one who's well known in the peloton. Sadly Rudy Pevenage's experience is mainly of avoiding dope controls and dishing out the pills during his time at Telecom.
When Rudy was Rudy and his Telecom boys were in town it wasn't so much a case of 'Lock Up your daughters.' as 'Lock up your medicine cabinets.'

Still, hat's off to Michael Ball, he likes to give people a second chance, which under the current climate is all fine and dandy. And they say all publicity is good publicity so for next to nothing Ball gets a ton of coverage across the globe for his product.
And you know what it works, only yesterday I went out into the garden and picked up a couple of rocks, mind you I made sure I gave then a full blood test before I bough them into the house.

Wanted more fat men in cycling.

Spend your time with cyclists and you begin to think 'Obesity crisis, what obesity crisis'.
Cyclists are far too obsessed by their weight. Most of us complain about being a couple of kilos over weight, although what this mythical weight is we never make clear. There is however an unwritten understand that all any of us need to do is shed those few kilos and we'll soon be 'flying'. Although actual doing some quality training would be the answer for most of us.

So it's with great pleasure that I've been catching up with the Ghent 6.
Ghent is a great 6 day race, and is, what I believe today's young people call ' Well old school, daddy-O' init!'
The reason for my love of Ghent, isn't just due to the racing. Oh no, my love of Ghent is due to Joop Zijlaard .
Joop is a Derny driver, well that's not strictly true, he is the Derny drivers Derney driver. He is to driving a Derny what Cav is to the final 200 of a race, that is the undisputed king.

Joop combines the three elements that make for a great 6 day race.
1 - Showmanship, quite simple no one, including the riders, is as great a showman as Joop, playing to the crowd, taking the piss out of his fellow drivers, toying with the riders, Joop could keep the crowd entertained on his own for most of the evening.

2 - Skill. His size belies his competitive nature, allied to an inate ability to know where he is on the track. Throw in a sense of timing and understanding of racing that most riders don't have and you're on to a winner.

3 - Bulk. Sitting behind a Derney will knock about a third of the air resistance out of your way as you peddle round. Sit behind Joop and you have a void where there is barely enough air to breath, result almost zero wind resistance.

And for a sponsor? He's a dream, you can get as much advertising on one Joop as you can on a whole team of skinny climbers.


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