Who's on the naughty step?

Who's a naughty boy then?

Cycling has always been renown for the paternalistic relationship that race organisers and managers have for their teams.
So it's no surprise that the latest manifestation of fatherly feeling towards teams is happening at the Giro. RCS clearly feel that certain teams have been playing up by refusing to go to bed at the proper time and as a result they have told them to go and sit on the the naughty step for a while.

So who are the naughty children and who been well behaved?
Well Fuji-Servetto have clearly been wicked to a level that would test the patients of a saint. Last year they played up throughout the whole of their holiday in France, staying up late and shouting and screaming when asked to go to the doctors. So now they have to stick their bizarrely clad backsides on the naughty step for a few months, in-fact their banishment to the naughty step is a lengthy one, they get to miss Milan-Sanremo, Tirreno-Adriatico and of course the Giro, huuummmm, Mummy wasn't pleased was she. CSF Navigare have been banished to the step as well, last year they were very naughty, with little Emanuele Sella pooing in his pants on at least four occasions.

Of course not all the children have been sent to the naughty step. Cofidis, who in the past have been naughty, seem to have grown up a little, but as they didn't want to come out and play are staying at home, as are their French cousins Française des Jeux. The Spanish kids, Euskaltel-Euskadi get very travel sick and with the thought of driving across two mountain ranges Mummy and Daddy have decided to keep the family at home this May.

Which leaves us with Barloworld, who despite having three well behaved kids in Thomas, Cummings and Froom also had the naughty Moises Duenas who threw his dinner across the restaurant during last years French holiday and we all know naughty behavior is not tolerated nowadays. Still RCS have said if Barloworld are good for the next few weeks they might just be allowed to come out and play.

And so that leaves us with Flaminia Bossini Docce, the team of current National Champion Filippo Simeoni. Now as far as I know Filippo has been well behaved over the last few years. He may have a tendency to talk back to his perceived 'elders and betters', but that's only youthful exuberance. So why has he got to sit on the step come May? Maybe RCS are afraid that he might upset the posh kids that are coming from across the street, or Kazakhstan as it's known. And as we all know there's nothing parents hate more than being embarrassed in front the neighbors.

Getting the big guns out.

David 'BIG DAVE' Brailsford isn't happy. Oh no, at the paralympics GB may well have won 13 out of 14 gold medals available on the track, but for BIG DAVE, that's not enough.
'Not only did we miss out on on one gold medal', said BIG DAVE, 'But there were silver and bronze one's that we didn't win, it's outrageous and come 2012 we want to win every medal there is in the velodrome' he may have said.
With this in mind BIG DAVE has drafted in the Jason Queally (Gold at Sydney) as well as ex World Champion and 'other big Scots fells' Craig MacLean to pilot the team GB tandems. So will Jason be the first athlete to win Gold at both versions of the O's? You just kind of have that feeling don't you.

Meanwhile.

The bikes are cleaned, the riders are on their way and this weekend sees the cross worlds. I won't be there, but will be watching multiple live feeds via the web, even cutting short Sunday training to get back in time, good excuse eh?. Can't wait.


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The men that came second.

Back from the dead.
In a move that shocked commentators, riders and the resurrectionists everywhere it has been announced that the winner of the 1904 Tour de France, Henri Cornet, will be riding the 2009 Giro d'Italia.
Organisers of the Giro have announced that 'a Tour de France winner' will be starting the 09 race alongside Lance Armstrong. When asked to be more specific RCS refused to name names, but replied that 'He's a previous winner of the Tour de France, but he never got to stand on the podium, he was awarded victory after the previous winner had been disqualified.'

Cornet was unavailable for comment, but it is thought that he has been in training for a considerable period and is in good shape, with one 'close source' claiming he's a 'lot lighter than he was in 1904'. The 'close source' went on to say that 'Lance Armstrong is making a comeback after three years, I know 108 years is slightly longer, but Henri has a good coach and he's confident of performing well in the race.'


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Cyclist to enter Grand National

Skinsuit of the year.

Cycling again swept the board at a major event. 'Team' GB's stars carried out yet another smash and grab on the worlds trophy room. This time the looting took place at the BBC Sports Personality of the Year (SPOTY) where they walked away with Team of the year, Coach of the Year, Skinsuit of the year and the overall winner of the year with Sir Chris Hoy.

But despite the continued flood of trophies heading to the Manchester bunker performance director David 'Dave' Brailsford was not happy.
'We may have won all the awards last night and had a great year, but there's still events we haven't won and I'm not happy, we have to target new events and raise the bar for the coming year.'
When asked what new events he was aiming at 'Dave' replied,
'Look at the Grand National, no cyclist has ever won it, starting in January we will be developing a team of cyclo cross specialists with a view to mounting a serious challenge for first place in 2010.', but that wasn't the only event 'Dave' had in mind.
'Water Polo is another area we've identified as ripe for 'plucking'! Using the experience of Jason Quealy we will be developing a team of under water cyclists to aim for water polo gold in 2012.'
When it was pointed out that Water Polo already had a team, 'Dave' replied 'I know, we've just signed them all to British Cycling'.

One noticeable absentee from the SPOTY ceremony was Riccardo Ricco. Ricco had been fully expected to 'walk away' with the Overseas Personality award, but in the end failed to make the shortlist of three.
The event didn't go unnoticed though, in a press statement the UCI said:
'It's a tragedy that Ricco failed to win the award, here is a man that has worked tirelessly to raise cyclings profile and make sure it is front page news throughout the world, to ignore the effort he has put in over the year is nothing short of a scandal.'
Ricco was equally dismissive :
'Throughout my career, as a junior, amateur and professional I have always tried to involve the UCI, the press and the police in my activities in an effort to make sure cycling stays where it belongs, the front page, the courts and the cells. To have my considerable efforts ignored is frankly quite upsetting, I'm off to Mexico.'

German TV's Tour coverage, now as clear as mud.

The European Broadcasting Union (EBU) has issued a statement instructing German TV to simultaneously cover and ignore the 2009 Le Tour.
A far reaching decision, that legal observers believe will reach very far, is thought to set a new precedent, in a legal way. The EBU has claimed that contracts signed between ASO and German TV are binding and therefore coverage has to take place. However it also reaffirmed the belief that the tearing up of contracts by said TV stations is also a legally binding action and as such has to be abided by.
Therefore come July all German stations will be forced to broadcast live pictures from the race whilst the commentary tells views to turn the TV off and go and do something else instead or else close their eyes, stick their fingers in their ears and go la, la, la.
In an attempt at a compromise measure German TV is thought to be in the process of signing David Duffield. The plan being to allow 'Duffers' to talk over the pictures, or provide 'commentary' as it is sometimes called, thereby confusing the whole issue to such an extent that no one will know what's happening or indeed what race they are watching.

2009 Giro - what do the teams really think.

Following the presentation of the 2009 Giro route the stars and water carriers have expressed their views on an event that many are calling a 'bike race'. (please not that all translations may not be 100% accurate, thanks Google!)
First off the blocks were the Astana camp who issued a statement saying:
'We have some riders in our team, the Giro is a race, there will be weather and mountains.'
However not to be out done Gilberto Simoni called a press conference where he said:
' I believe that if a race is a race, than to win it you have to want to race in the race, and must come in the mountains'.
Marzio Bruseghin expressed himself:
'Last year I had security, again, the race is me and I am demanding hard'
Gianni Savio, Team Manager of Diquigiovanni, all around good guy, man about town and style icon has said:
'I have instructed my riders to touch. The pink jersey, the race, Simioni is a man, he can if he wants and climbing.'

More top translations next week.



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New Giro jersey, this year it's pink!

High fashion, low fashion.

In a move that both shocked and outraged traditionalists the organisers of the Giro have unveiled a new race leaders jersey.
Those amongst us that have a keen interest in both high fashion and grande tour jerseys were jumping with joy as RCS unveiled a 'shocking' new Giro leaders jersey, designed by Dolce & Gabbana. In a move away from the tradition that has dogged the Giro for the last 100 years Dolce & Gabbana have taken the bold step of designing a jersey that incorporates the latest trends in high fashion, looks to the future and is figure hugging. Yes the leaders jersey for the 2009 Giro will be pink and made of lycra.

Someone else that could have used a jersey makeover is the new Katusha team. Their first attempt at fashion is, if we are honest, not quite at the standard set by the legendary Tonton Tapis, but non the less it shows promise. Come on guys, with all that cash floating round you could have employed a designer, rather than follow the traditional route of getting the team owners 6 year old to give it their best shot.

Don't cross the white line.

In Cali the world cup continues with the question on everyone's lips being, Why are we here? Cali is a strange event, most of the events go straight through to finals due to lack of entrants. And with the powerhouse track squads sending small or development squads the racing whilst excellent lacks somewhat the cutting edge that the European events show. The Aussies have sent the Toshiba development squad, most of the European nations have just sent a hand full of riders whilst the Chinese stuck just one rider on the plane. Logistically it's a nightmare to get teams to and with budgets tight and the world cup running to five events someone is going to miss out. With W/C points counting to World Championship places (or something like that) teams seem to pick and chose their events, with the more logistically challenging events being targeted either for development squad riders gaining experience or a desperate attempt to gain points.

One big name that I fully expected to be seeing in Columbia is Tornado Tom Boonan, as a fan of the countries biggest export I'd have thought that fastest man across the white line would be doing his bit, but sadly he appears detained at home by legal goings on, shame.

The history lesson - don't bring your dog.

Look at the rule and regulations governing how you race. Bike, clothing, 'supplements', behavior on the road, they're all covered and if you fail to know them you will at some point fall foul of them. So spare a thought for the riders that lined up at the start of the 1869 Paris - Rouen, the worlds first bike race. Of all the rules and regulations the most interesting was that riders were not 'to be trailed by a dog or use sails'. Whilst bikes and clothing have come a long way since 1869 it's a shame that some of the old rules have fallen by the wayside. Can you imagine how pissed of Cadel Evans would be if the 'no dogs' rule was brought back for the 2009 le Tour!




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With Pat McQuaid it's crystal balls all the way.

The mists are clearing, I can see a stranger, he's holding some rubles.

Uncle Pat has stated the cycling will be ok during the crunch - "I really don't think it's going to touch cycling hugely" and he goes on to say that "I think race organisers will have more difficulties than teams", Er, hang on Uncle Pat, race organisers have problems, so no races, so, er, what do the teams do, have 12 month long training camps?

Still no worries, apparently the Tour de China is now on the cards for 2010, just as it was on the cards for 2009 and indeed 2008. But economics guru Uncle Pat goes on to explain that the Russian economy is unaffected by the crunch, so the Tour de Russia is definately on, er sometime soon, well when I say soon I mean sometime in the next 20 years, can't wait.....

Uncle Pat does make one one good point though, sorry I should have warned you, I know it's a shock isn't it. Cycling is cheap when compared to other sports and looking and the fuss and bother in F1 you have to agree. F1 'bosses' are saying that £250million a year per team is a bit expensive. £250m? God sake, you could run the whole of cycling for a very, very long time on that.
So maybe all those cigarette manufacturers that left F1 could be enticed into cycling? And don't talk to me about 'image' since when in the history of the sport have we care about image?

Seeing as Uncle Pat has the gift of foresight it might be interesting to see exactly what else he can predict, The colour of the new Team Columbia jersey maybe (I'm saying Pink, after all they'll have a lot of old T-Mobile kit left over from 07)

Meanwhile in the sticks.....

The Sports Personality of the Year betting is hotting up, the odds on Sir Chris are coming in and the odds on Hamilton are going out. But I think the bookies are forgetting one thing, or rather the bookies are ignoring Scotland and if history teaches us one thing.....
There is a massive vote Sir Chris campaign in Scotland, all the competitors at a recent half marathon (all 20000) of em, were sent a mail by the organisers calling on them to do their patriotic duty and vote for Sir. All the main papers are calling for the punters to get behind Sir Chris and yes it's squeezed in between football, football and football, but it's there. The Scotsman says... "it would be only fitting that an Olympian be crowned BBC Sports Personality of the Year. And Hoy is the Olympian most worthy of receiving the accolade.".
Me? I'm on the first train to Scotland to help stoke up the nationalist tendencies.

The 2009 Giro, a full field of 180 potential winners, apparently.

Are you riding the Giro? You're not? You must be the only one who isn't. The 2009 Giro look like having one of the juiciest fields in living memory, a field Le Tour will be hard pressed to match. It'll be Armstrong's main goal for the year apparently (yeah right) and with Evans coming along to play there will be more genuine contenders on the start line than for many a year.
Opening with a TTT and with a long ITT in the middle it's playing into the hands of Astana, but we'll have to see. The race will make 100 years and there's no way the locals are going to sit back and let Lance's boys spoil the party.
Best of all is the possible ride for Filippo Simeoni, he'll be at the route presentation on Saturday. Is this a hint that his team will get a ride, I hope so, it'll be great to see the Italian National champion compete in his home tour, but even better is the possibility of a punch-up with Lance. Forget the betting on the overall I'm offering odds on Lance to win by a KO in the 10th, but not until Simeoni has proved himself a worthy opponent by flooring him in the 5th. Hopefully the two protagonists will have let their feeling fester over the intervening years and we can expect a true title decider come May, the cycling? Pah! just a side show to the main event.

Those who ignore history are destined to repeat it.

I haven't mentioned it for a while, but the ol' whiskey drinker is back and he's riding for OUCH! The interesting thing is that there has been no mention of past misdemeanors in any of the press statements. Nothing about a fresh start, nothing about a second chance or putting the record straight and sod all on proving he can do it clean or giving people something to believe in.
I can not begin to tell you how disappointed I am by this airbrushing of history. I was hoping for the usual nonsense that you get when an ex-doper, sorry someone who likes whiskey, returns to the pro peloton. But it would seem that Floyds cycling life has consisted of having an op on his hip, recovering and signing for OUCH. Apparently he rode the bike a bit prior to the op, but that was only to pop down to the local shops for a newspaper and some milk.
Selective amesia is not a good thing, and yes I know Floyds was/is innocent, cos he said so. But even so it's bizare not to mention anything. If he was guilty it would be a good oportunity to play the Dave Millar card and if he was innocent why not mention what he did pre-op?
Perhaps the op was on more than his hip, perhaps in true Bionic fashion they totally rebuilt him, you know, faster, stronger, more ginger.



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10 rounds, points decision or total knock out?

A lot of hot air.


For God sake just shut up and ride your bike.

It would seem that everybody is down at their local wind tunnel in an effort to shave a second off something or the other in an attempt to prove they're serious about winning a Grand Tour in 09.

First up the Lance moved to into the tunnel, quickly followed by AC (that's Alberto Contador and not AC from operation Puerto).
I don't recall AC (that's Alberto Contador and not AC from operation Puerto) spending tunnel time before, so I can only guess that this is an attempt to show Lance he's a worthy leader for Le Tour, I doubt Lance gives a toss, but hey, it's nice to be thought of.

Someone else thinking of Lance is Linus Gerdemann, he's not been in the wind tunnel, but there a hell of a lot of hot air about.
He thought Lance shouldn't be doing a 'return', then when challenged about this he replied:
'No, no, I did not say Lance shouldn't make a return, I was misquoted, what I actually said was, Lance shouldn't make a return. I hope that clears everything up.'
Then Lance says 'Gerdemann, who's he?' You mean he hasn't bought the Tour 07 highlights (extended version) DVD? Shame on you Lance.

But then in weighs Kloden, who says: "I don't have to go up to every camera and present myself as the savior of cycling", no Andreas, that's because if you did the cameraman would piss him self laughing.

Andreas Klöden was of course at T-Mobile between 98 and 2006, a time where the pills were popping like there was no tomorrow, lets have a quick roll call, Rolf Aldag, Erik Zabel, Udo Bolts, Christian Henn, Mr 60%, fat Jan and team doctors Andreas Schmid and Lothar Heinrich all admitted to being on the juice or giving it away like sweets during their time a Telecom / T-Mobile.
So no, Andreas, I think the best thing for you to do is keep your mouth closed, your head down and see out the rest of your career in the hope people ignore you.

Personally, and call me old fashioned if you like, I don't see whats wrong with young Linus saying 'hey look, I'm clean, you can believe in me and the future of cycling.'
I actually think his stand is brave, especially when he'll have to ride in the same peloton as Kloden and any of his pill poping chums from yester year.

I notice that Kloden hasn't cast comment on other riders who take an open and strong anti drugs stance, say Cav or Brad Wiggins. Maybe he only picks on skinny climbers, yes I know Brad is on the slim side, but he's a boxing fan from the mean streets of London, I know who my money would be on in a fight. (TKO Wiggins inside two rounds)

Personal hygiene - so important for today professional cyclist.

When Lance announce his return, the one thing that I was looking forward to wasn't a le Tour ride, oh no. The thing that got me excited was the inevitable re-match with Filippo Simeoni.


And when the opening bell sounded last week I sat back and waited for the blood to flow. But what happened? It's three years since these two great champions went toe to toe, you'd have thought that over that time they could have built up a little more aggression, a little more tactical awareness, but no. What a damp squib, the abuse meter hardly moved and I was left feeling well and truly let down.
My only hope is that Simeoni gets a Giro ride next summer and with this in mind I will start petitioning the organisers. Come on, forget the inevitable side show of dope testers chasing skinny climbers down side streets, what we want is a good old fashioned fist fight, if nothing else guys, think of the TV ratings.

In all the fuss about nothing there was one interesting point made by Lance, that was why has Filippo Simeoni not got a ride with a major team? OK I know hes 37, but he's national champion. Is it because of his anti drugs line? Well no, there are plenty of other riders in the peloton that take a similar line, is it cos of his age? Well there are plenty of 'older gentlemen' as well (say hi Lance), so it can't be that.
I'd welcome any suggestions, perhaps his personal hygiene isn't what it could be and maybe when Lance rode up to him in 04 and did the hand across the mouth gesture he was telling him to clean his teeth more regularly.

Discount city: Name names and get a year off your next holiday.

It would appear that Mr Emanuele Sella has got of lightly. He has 'named names' and as a result the Italian Olympic Committee are just slapping his wrists, in other words giving him a 12 month ban, so good news then, he'll be back with us next year, I can hardly wait.
To quote "He collaborated and named names, so he got a reduction, according to the WADA codes," well that's OK then is it?
Who are these names he's named? That's my question, well actually my question is what next? Well here's the latest betting on what next:
The Italian Olympic Committee to do nothing: Evans
The Italian Olympic Committee to chase and arrest several high profile sportsmen and doctors: 1000 -1
This drags on for year, no arrests and then it's all forgotten about: 1 - 100