I'm buying Stefan Schumacher a dictionary for Xmas

My dear, dear friend, Stefan Schumacher has blood that's different to the blood that you and I have. Well OK I can't prove that for sure, but it's how I'm interpreting his stance following his highly comical legal action against the whole of France.

You see, dear reader, that the process of taking blood from someones arm, finding CERA in it and declaring that person to be 'dope taking cheating scum' (apologies if my translation from the French isn't too good) is according to the master of mirth "arbitrary" and "defamatory". Maybe Schumacher should be investigated for more than CERA, maybe he's been at the mind bending substances that fueled the average 60's hippy, there can be no other explanation, well OK there can, maybe he hasn't got a dictionary. What is arbitrary about the test? Schumacher was selected to be tested using the same procedures that any other rider, and you don't hear them complaining. Defamatory? How does that work then? Anouncing the results of a dope test is not in my humble view defamatory, well no more so than announcing the results of anything. Perhaps we should all just watch races and at the end have to guess who's won.

Still to help Stefan get some practice with his new dictionary I'm going to suggest some words he can look up.....

Are
You
Taking
The
Piss
?

Would be a good place to start.

And so the French anti twat agency (sorry anti doping agency - AFLD) sat to consider the cases of (sorry laugh at) Ricco, Kohl and Deunas. The results won't be known until the holidays are over. There could be a number of reasons for this, maybe it's the way the French work, long lunch, long holiday, that sort of thing, maybe they are preparing their defense if they get a counter claim from the the three, or maybe they just wen't on the beers and won't sober up until January? Whatever the reason I hope they get the full 6 year ban from France and, fingers crossed, a few more nights in the cells.

None of them bothered to show up, with only Rico sending a lawyer. Whether this was a tacit admission of guilt or an act of unbelievable arrogance is something I can't work out. In a way I'm glad they didn't bother to show, as the inevitable media scrum would have given them a chance to whnge about innocence and pressure before the cameras.

On the House.

Elk Haus is continuing supporting a team for 2009, it's a small continental professional team, with 16 riders, so no big deal? Well maybe it is, Elk Haus have been around for a while and supporting 16 riders plus staff isn't cheap and considering their product, they make houses, you'd be forgiven for thinking that they might have put the wheels back in the garage. So their management is to be congratulated on continuing their support, it's especially refreshing when you realise that they are based in Austria and most of their races are in 'that neck of the woods' or the door step that Kohl and (allegedly) Schumacher have shat on.

Is that wheel round?

Having stripped the rear hub on my training wheels I am now in the market for a new set. Bit of a mine field eh? So far I've spoken to five riders and had five different suggestions as to what I should buy so I'm confused. I'll be honest here, my interest in bike components is low to say the least. I started racing in the early 80's and despite all those years and all those miles have yet to get past the stage of vague acquaintance with components. Oh I know all the names, I can even look at something and tell you if it's Campag or Shimano (assuming I can see the brand name) but when you get to advantages and disadvantages of one over the other I'm lost.
I can quite happily strip down, clean and repair anything you throw at me, but make an informed decision about what to buy, nah, no chance.
So thank God for my LBS, a little haven where they offer sound advice, help and never ever try the hard sell.
The only criteria I have for a set of training wheels is:
1) they are wheel shaped
2) there's one for the front and one for the back
3) the back one takes Shimano 9 speed (I never use more than one anyway (trackie at heart))
4) they can take 'a hell of a beating'
5) price - on the low side please


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Cyclist to enter Grand National

Skinsuit of the year.

Cycling again swept the board at a major event. 'Team' GB's stars carried out yet another smash and grab on the worlds trophy room. This time the looting took place at the BBC Sports Personality of the Year (SPOTY) where they walked away with Team of the year, Coach of the Year, Skinsuit of the year and the overall winner of the year with Sir Chris Hoy.

But despite the continued flood of trophies heading to the Manchester bunker performance director David 'Dave' Brailsford was not happy.
'We may have won all the awards last night and had a great year, but there's still events we haven't won and I'm not happy, we have to target new events and raise the bar for the coming year.'
When asked what new events he was aiming at 'Dave' replied,
'Look at the Grand National, no cyclist has ever won it, starting in January we will be developing a team of cyclo cross specialists with a view to mounting a serious challenge for first place in 2010.', but that wasn't the only event 'Dave' had in mind.
'Water Polo is another area we've identified as ripe for 'plucking'! Using the experience of Jason Quealy we will be developing a team of under water cyclists to aim for water polo gold in 2012.'
When it was pointed out that Water Polo already had a team, 'Dave' replied 'I know, we've just signed them all to British Cycling'.

One noticeable absentee from the SPOTY ceremony was Riccardo Ricco. Ricco had been fully expected to 'walk away' with the Overseas Personality award, but in the end failed to make the shortlist of three.
The event didn't go unnoticed though, in a press statement the UCI said:
'It's a tragedy that Ricco failed to win the award, here is a man that has worked tirelessly to raise cyclings profile and make sure it is front page news throughout the world, to ignore the effort he has put in over the year is nothing short of a scandal.'
Ricco was equally dismissive :
'Throughout my career, as a junior, amateur and professional I have always tried to involve the UCI, the press and the police in my activities in an effort to make sure cycling stays where it belongs, the front page, the courts and the cells. To have my considerable efforts ignored is frankly quite upsetting, I'm off to Mexico.'

German TV's Tour coverage, now as clear as mud.

The European Broadcasting Union (EBU) has issued a statement instructing German TV to simultaneously cover and ignore the 2009 Le Tour.
A far reaching decision, that legal observers believe will reach very far, is thought to set a new precedent, in a legal way. The EBU has claimed that contracts signed between ASO and German TV are binding and therefore coverage has to take place. However it also reaffirmed the belief that the tearing up of contracts by said TV stations is also a legally binding action and as such has to be abided by.
Therefore come July all German stations will be forced to broadcast live pictures from the race whilst the commentary tells views to turn the TV off and go and do something else instead or else close their eyes, stick their fingers in their ears and go la, la, la.
In an attempt at a compromise measure German TV is thought to be in the process of signing David Duffield. The plan being to allow 'Duffers' to talk over the pictures, or provide 'commentary' as it is sometimes called, thereby confusing the whole issue to such an extent that no one will know what's happening or indeed what race they are watching.

2009 Giro - what do the teams really think.

Following the presentation of the 2009 Giro route the stars and water carriers have expressed their views on an event that many are calling a 'bike race'. (please not that all translations may not be 100% accurate, thanks Google!)
First off the blocks were the Astana camp who issued a statement saying:
'We have some riders in our team, the Giro is a race, there will be weather and mountains.'
However not to be out done Gilberto Simoni called a press conference where he said:
' I believe that if a race is a race, than to win it you have to want to race in the race, and must come in the mountains'.
Marzio Bruseghin expressed himself:
'Last year I had security, again, the race is me and I am demanding hard'
Gianni Savio, Team Manager of Diquigiovanni, all around good guy, man about town and style icon has said:
'I have instructed my riders to touch. The pink jersey, the race, Simioni is a man, he can if he wants and climbing.'

More top translations next week.



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Meths - not recomended as a refuling option.

This week I did something I haven't done for almost 9 months, I bought a copy of Cycling Weekly. Ye Gods, as they say in the surprised and disappointed business. It's worse than I remember it. (But then so's the weather, the beer at the local pub and todays youth).

Perhaps the worst £2.50 I've spent since I bought that training programme off the tramp that lives behind the bins at Asda. Mind you the only problem with him was that his suggested mid race drink was meths, which is currently on the UCI banned list.
I stopped my subscription a couple of years ago and now pick up, maybe, a couple of issues a year. The reason for my sub cancellation was simple, I felt it was no longer relevant to me, as it had basically stopped covering bike racing in any sort of detail, or indeed in some cases, at all. So 300 years of loyal readership ended.

Leaving it on the top shelf!

Most of the racers I know stopped buying it years ago as well and now it would seem that their sales target are met by sportive riders and those new to cycling or who have a passing interest in the business of riding a bike. Which is fine, I don't have a problem with that, but what I don't get is why they can't cover both sides of the tracks? Still what do I know.
I know the winter was always a slack time at the world centre of cycling news, Croyden, but seriously, 4 pages of photos that some bloke took of his mates riding Sportives, for God sake.

One of the reasons I bought CW in the past was to keep up to date with all the top cycling news, which lets be honest it never really did in any depth, if you were a Brit and racing on the European mainland you could be forgotten as quickly as last years crash.
Nowadays I can get all I need from the web and in more detail as well. Open up my RSS feeder each morning and there are dozens of exciting and hilarious stories to chose from.

Still that's the moaning about a magazine I never buy over with for the next 12 months, by the way did I ever tell you how crap Shed Monthly has become over the last two years? And don't even get me started on Central Heated illustrated or Hinge Weekly..........

Talking of Crap.

Mr Sella has been handed a one year ban, for, wait for it, 'co-operating' over his drugs bust. This will doubtlessly enrage Ricco, Kohl and Schumacher, which, come on, is the reason he's been given a shorter ban than they have.

No doubt the UCI and WADA have got totally pissed off with the collective whinging and never ending statements of innocence that the three have come out with over the last few months. The UCI can't extend their bans, so the next best ting is to really piss them off, and giving a one year ban to Sella, who has remained silent throughout the whole process, is a good way of doing it.

Diary Date.
This week sees the supposed release of the names of the riders who have funny looking scores on the old blood passport.
I was going to list the current betting, but my lawyer has warned me against it. But if you have a few spare minutes before now and Friday you could keep yourself entertained by drawing up a list and seeing how accurate it is come D day.

Personally I can't wait, anything that beats a doper is a good laugh in my book, baseball bat, lead pipe, boxing glove, UCI blood passport, I'll support anything that names new figures of hate.

Whilst I can't predict the names, I can, amazingly, predict what they will say, they will of course be:
'Innocent'
'Victims'
'Wankers'
Depending on your view and whether or not you happen to be an CERA dealer.



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Just don't call me Ginger.

I'm not Ginger Beer, says former cyclist.

Hot of the legal press: The US Federal Court is bracing itself for a full frontal attack as supposed owner of Ginger hair 'Floyd ' I like a whiskey' Landis' attempts to prove to the world that at no point in his past did he ever have Ginger hair.

'I'm no Ginger minger, I never have been and I never will be.' Said a Ginger minger.

The latest count is almost$1.8 million for the World anti Ginger agency and close to $2 million for the man with the hair.

Mr Landis has so far been found guilty of possession of ginger pubes, a ginger tash, a ginger toupee and ginger eyebrows, by the UCI, the French agency for the prevention of Ging, the Olympic anti Ging alliance, the USAGA and that nice blond Mr Lemond, who hasn't got a ginger hair on his body!

'My hair is not ginger', fumed Landis, 'granted in the heat of a summer day and after a few whiskeys it can look a bit ginger, but if any ginger hairs have been found on me I can honestly say they are not mine.'

Should you like to contribute to Mr Landis hair dye fund all contributions of the following will be welcome: ruby red, cherry blossom, sunset rust, Australian earth and Martian crater.

Meanwhile:

Alien number 2 (Bernhard Kohl) has been banned for 2 years. His ban coming in just ahead of the UCI's proposed 4 year ban is bad news for those of us hoping that he'd just piss off and never trouble us again. Sadly he will be talking comeback sooner rather than never.

He seemed a little upset though, aw, diddums. It seems that he 'made my statement and was honest' and was therefor hoping to get a reduced sentence. Look just sod off will you, all that crap on TV and in the press about how much pressure you were under, all that shite about losing your contract at the end of the season, just give it a rest will you.

And talking of arrest......
Young master Ricco is up before the French beak and the French beak wonder why they have a sniveling little turd in front of them (the two may or may not be connected). The beak is currently wondering what to do with the 'starling', or what ever he was called. I can offer some help here, throw the book at him and lock him up. Oh it would be a day of celebration if a convicted doper actually had to do prison time for their crimes. Now as Ricco would be in a delicate emotional state I assume he would be put on suicide watch, on second thoughts......


.

Good clean family entertainment.

Look kids, a bald twat, lets throw rocks at him in the hope that we might kill him.



Apparently one of the by-products of excessive testosterone abuse is hair loss. Surprising that there seem to be some prematurely bald cyclists about, still a coincidence I'm sure. I mean Schumacher, Alejandro Valverde and Leonardo Piepoli? I'm sure they just lost their hair through the use of the wrong shampoo.

It has been revealed by AFLD (the French anti doping agency) that Ricco managed to fail four tests in this years Le Tour, all of them for CERA - brilliant, way to go Ricco lad, why take one syringe into the shower when you can take four. Hats off to that man, looks like he out Virenqued, Richard Virenque an impressive performance. Schumacher only managed two positives, does that mean that he's a better cyclist or he can't afford as much smack as Ricco, perhaps he needs a better dealer.
Dealers, dealers? Has anyone actually grassed up their dealer? (I assume dope cheats have dealers) Wasn't the UCI offering reduced sentences for anyone fingering their dealer?, so to speak. By the looks of it no one has offered to point any fingers in any directions, still Ricco was apparently p'd off with his sentence, so was I, twat should have got life.

Good news on the way, to the effect that the IOC is to test for CERA on all the samples it took at the Olympics. Bring it on. Lets find out who else is going down the toilet with us, lets see how many sports the IOC want to eff off after this is done. And then lets move on.......

I say hasn't all gone quiet over at Astana, AC (that's Alberto Contador and not AC from operation Puerto) must be looking at his options, which seem fairly limited, despite saying last week that he has been in contact with several interested teams, there has been little action. The problem other teams would have is the same one AC (that's Alberto Contador and not AC from operation Puerto)has at Astana, parachute in a potential tour winner and the established hierarchy ion your team goes to pot, everyone gets pissed off and your star rider could walk out, sparking (I'd hope) a round of musical chairs. So will Johan chose Lance or AC (that's Alberto Contador and not AC from operation Puerto) to lead the squad in Le Tour? If he choses AC (that's Alberto Contador and not AC from operation Puerto) does anyone expect Lancey boy to play the role of domestique? Or could we have a rewind to the Hinault v Lemond race of 86? Might make the race slightly more interesting.
I'm still hopeing that AC (that's Alberto Contador and not AC from operation Puerto) takes Lance's advice and realises that it's 'time to move on'.