Phone lines are now open for your calls.

Marks out of 10 please judges.

There is a rumor that there is set to be a major change in the way teams and riders are eliminated from major races and that these changes will be outlined by Uncle Pat when he announces the 2009 World Calendar this coming Thursday.

At the end of 2008 the UCI needed to regain credibility (titter ye not) with fans, teams, sponsors, jurnos, and race organisers. So they scrapped the 'Pro-Tour' and came up with the 'UCI Pro-Tour'. Now everybody is happy, the UCI rule the cycling world again, ASO, RCS and Unipublic have all bowed down before the golden throne and all cyclings problems are at a stroke, solved.
But the UCI ever keen to keep up with the times and in an effort to attract more armchair cycling fans have hit on a novel way of promoting the sport. Starting with the Tour Downunder riders will be eliminated from stage races not just for missing the time cut, crashing or failing dope tests, but also as a result of public phone vote.

Your call only costs 2 Euros a minute.

At the end of each stage a panel of experts will select 10 candidates, who will be scored on their contribution to the race, their riding style and their ability to execute certain predetermined tactics. Following the judges marking the phone lines will be opened up and the public will be allowed to vote on which rider will be eliminated. The experts for the first event of the season have yet to be announced, but it is thought that they will include, Frank Vandenbroucke, Michael Ball, Djamolidine Abdoujaparov and Tammy Thomas.

An unnamed UCI source has reportedly said 'The public vote will add and extra fun element to stage races, which until now had been boring and predictable.' He/She/It went on say that 'The added pressure will also act as a deterrent to doping and aid the UCI in their goal of getting richer, sorry, I mean getting a clean sport.'

More new races.

In addition to the ground breaking changes to race results it is thought that the UCI are also planning to unveil the new 'Tour de Russia' with the proposed date being 'all of May'. A (different) UCI spokesman has said 'the Russians are desperate to give us lots of money and we felt that the ideal slot in the calandar for a race is May, after all noting much is happening then is there? and anyway RCS have pissed us off, so up their's.'
The spokensthing refused to comment that the Tour de China was scheduled to take place in July with a top prize of a billion Euros, 'We have a very good relationship with ASO and would in no way introduce a race with a greater prize fund in an effort to bugger up the Tour de France.'

Shock new team anouncement.

Hold the front page, stop the presses. In a totally unexpected anouncement it has been anounced that British Cycling will announce that they will run a pro team in 2010 and that that team will have a major sponsor.

The team, it has been announced, will feature 'riders', some of whome will be British and some of whome won't.

In another shock revelation, sorry, announcement, it has also been revealed that the team will have a management structure that will include coaches.

As we went to press there was no anouncement about bicycles, but an insider has anounced that bicycles will be involved in the team and possibly ridden by the riders.

As yet there has been no announcement about Mark Cavendish, but it is thought that at some stage over the coming years there will be an announcement relating to Mark Cavendish and a team with a major sponsor.

More announcements as they happen.



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Cyclist to enter Grand National

Skinsuit of the year.

Cycling again swept the board at a major event. 'Team' GB's stars carried out yet another smash and grab on the worlds trophy room. This time the looting took place at the BBC Sports Personality of the Year (SPOTY) where they walked away with Team of the year, Coach of the Year, Skinsuit of the year and the overall winner of the year with Sir Chris Hoy.

But despite the continued flood of trophies heading to the Manchester bunker performance director David 'Dave' Brailsford was not happy.
'We may have won all the awards last night and had a great year, but there's still events we haven't won and I'm not happy, we have to target new events and raise the bar for the coming year.'
When asked what new events he was aiming at 'Dave' replied,
'Look at the Grand National, no cyclist has ever won it, starting in January we will be developing a team of cyclo cross specialists with a view to mounting a serious challenge for first place in 2010.', but that wasn't the only event 'Dave' had in mind.
'Water Polo is another area we've identified as ripe for 'plucking'! Using the experience of Jason Quealy we will be developing a team of under water cyclists to aim for water polo gold in 2012.'
When it was pointed out that Water Polo already had a team, 'Dave' replied 'I know, we've just signed them all to British Cycling'.

One noticeable absentee from the SPOTY ceremony was Riccardo Ricco. Ricco had been fully expected to 'walk away' with the Overseas Personality award, but in the end failed to make the shortlist of three.
The event didn't go unnoticed though, in a press statement the UCI said:
'It's a tragedy that Ricco failed to win the award, here is a man that has worked tirelessly to raise cyclings profile and make sure it is front page news throughout the world, to ignore the effort he has put in over the year is nothing short of a scandal.'
Ricco was equally dismissive :
'Throughout my career, as a junior, amateur and professional I have always tried to involve the UCI, the press and the police in my activities in an effort to make sure cycling stays where it belongs, the front page, the courts and the cells. To have my considerable efforts ignored is frankly quite upsetting, I'm off to Mexico.'

German TV's Tour coverage, now as clear as mud.

The European Broadcasting Union (EBU) has issued a statement instructing German TV to simultaneously cover and ignore the 2009 Le Tour.
A far reaching decision, that legal observers believe will reach very far, is thought to set a new precedent, in a legal way. The EBU has claimed that contracts signed between ASO and German TV are binding and therefore coverage has to take place. However it also reaffirmed the belief that the tearing up of contracts by said TV stations is also a legally binding action and as such has to be abided by.
Therefore come July all German stations will be forced to broadcast live pictures from the race whilst the commentary tells views to turn the TV off and go and do something else instead or else close their eyes, stick their fingers in their ears and go la, la, la.
In an attempt at a compromise measure German TV is thought to be in the process of signing David Duffield. The plan being to allow 'Duffers' to talk over the pictures, or provide 'commentary' as it is sometimes called, thereby confusing the whole issue to such an extent that no one will know what's happening or indeed what race they are watching.

2009 Giro - what do the teams really think.

Following the presentation of the 2009 Giro route the stars and water carriers have expressed their views on an event that many are calling a 'bike race'. (please not that all translations may not be 100% accurate, thanks Google!)
First off the blocks were the Astana camp who issued a statement saying:
'We have some riders in our team, the Giro is a race, there will be weather and mountains.'
However not to be out done Gilberto Simoni called a press conference where he said:
' I believe that if a race is a race, than to win it you have to want to race in the race, and must come in the mountains'.
Marzio Bruseghin expressed himself:
'Last year I had security, again, the race is me and I am demanding hard'
Gianni Savio, Team Manager of Diquigiovanni, all around good guy, man about town and style icon has said:
'I have instructed my riders to touch. The pink jersey, the race, Simioni is a man, he can if he wants and climbing.'

More top translations next week.



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Police hot on the trail of Tom Boonans wig.

Tom's wig takes a night off from it's party lifestyle.

It would seem that the hair of Tornado Tom has been taking ecstasy as well as cocaine, well I say his hair which of course will soon be revealed to be having a life of it's own, going out at night, hitting the bars and chasing the girls.

Toms lawyers have questioned the trail events that have led his clients wig to be up before the Flemish beak, 'No ordinary Flemish citizen would go to court for this, that is certain.' said the man in the legal hair hair do. Indeed, for Tom was not found to be in possession of any Class A's, but was rumbled following an out of competition test for performance enhancing drugs.

It's an interesting legal point, and no doubt there will be a lot of Euros earned arguing the toss, but one things for sure, what ever the result it puts Tom in the top draw of celebrity.

Tom should be congratulated, he is a regular in the mags that deal in the life styles of the rich and famous and will doubtlessly be on a good little earner once he gets to sell his 'My drugs hell' story to the highest paying rag. I just hope his wig is on a percentage.


Worried about retirement, join Rock Racing.

I love Michael Ball, I really do. He's done more to entertain me than any other team manager / owner in the history of the sport.
Having just registered Rock Racing as a Continental team he found that not only did he have too many riders, but they were too old. Continental teams have to be, in essence, development squads, but with 27 riders and an average age of 75 numbers had to be cut. So we now have two Rock Racing squads, there's Rock Racing Continental and there's Rock Racing club, which in essence is like any other cycling club in the US.

So now where had one team we now have two, one a team of guys who signed on as pros but are now riding as, well, not riding as pros and then we have the Continental team, ex dopers, old timers and a couple on the run from the forces of law and order.

If the Rockers had become a Continental Pro team concerns about numbers, age and criminal records would have gone out the window, so why didnt' that happen? Apparently it would have involved too much paper work, whatever the reason it's brilliant news, twice the teams, twice the entertainment, as Michael Ball says they're all about entertainment, yeah baby, bring it on daddy-o.

Gold is not enough.

Dave Brailsford was asked by the Daily Telegraph if he felt any guilt at the cyclists winning so many gongs at the Olympics. It was perhaps one of the stupidest questions you could ever ask. The likelihood that DB would feel anything other than total satisfaction at 'job done' and a desire to win more next time was bordering on non-existent. So you can imagine the non surprise at the response:
"None whatsoever, we went out and won 14 medals. End of. I'm paid to win medals and as a team we set out to win medals. We did exactly that and so the rewards should follow. I have absolutely no guilt."

Meanwhile the funding for 2012 goes up for cycling, job done.




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It's a wide open road.

Procycling had, this month, an Olympic special, but what was unusual about this Olympic special was that it covered the track as well as the road (Still no mention of BMX or MTB, perhaps they're not pros then?)
But in reading the interviews with Wiggo, Cavo, Vickyo, Sir Chriso, Jamieo Staffo and Darren Kenny what comes across is their love of the sport and their desire to see the sport grow. An interesting comparison can be made to any of the paupers in the top football division, where an interview will be more celeb lifestyle, my latest car blah, blah than anything else, still when you're only training for a couple of hours a day I guess there's little else to do other than fill your overburdened life with fantasy and fairy tale.

Whilst I'm on the subject of other sports, which apparently do exist (shock, smile, wink) I must pass comment on tennis. Well to be more accurate pass comment on the LTA, who shovel in more than 60 million of the British pounds into their bank account on an annual basis, mainly on the back of the Wimbledon thingy. Now Jamie Murray is indeed a fine player, but from what I can gather was trained by his mum and then sent overseas to a tennis school, so maybe he's not a product of the 'system'. Anyway there was a TV 'bit' on those who have helped him to a position of success, coach, trainer, fitness coach, dietitian, etc etc. Queue a bloke from the LTA saying 'this is something we can learn from..... This follows on from an interview I saw over Wimbledon fortnight where one of the Brit players says her game has improved a lot since she got a dietitian involved and started eating correctly. (that's eating the right food, not correctly as in I'm now putting the food in my mouth instead of in my ear). Now she was supported by the LTA, who it seems hadn't offered any advice on this.....
Now I'm sorry, but this is quite beyond belief. As a coach and rider it seems self evident that, fitness, nutrition etc etc are prerequisites for a successful athlete, whatever the sport. How in the name of all that is nameable, can an LTA rep effectively say 'Oh fitness and diet, hummm, perhaps we should look at those'. I don't recall the LTA being one of the Nat Associations that visited Manchester to see how the Britain's most successful sporting body does it's business...

On the back of LA's out of retirement business, it seems that ex riders are now queuing up to put down the pension book and take up the power meter again.
Best of all is Mr Landis. That's Mr Landis, as in 'Oh I had a whiskey last night, and it made me ride like superman'. He too will be back, oh joy of joy, hopefully all this action will spur returns from Vinko and the Chicken and then my life would be complete, it really would. I mean I don't know if there is enough hatred left in my body to handle any more unrepentant dopers in the peloton. Hopefully they will all join up at rock racing.
I saw the Hamilton twins interviewed on Tour de Britain (top coverage via ITV 4, sorry coverage by ITV 4) and he said that Michael Balls view is are you allowed to ride? If so, it's OK to ride and I must assume sign for the team that has no spare bikes. Well that shows the Rock Racing attitude to the sport if you ask me, publicity as a core value, sorry only value, and love, understanding of the sport not on the scale, Oh how different from the home lives of our own dear Kings and Queens.

The mighty Cav to remain at Columbia, is the non shock headline of the week. Did you really think his Royal Cavness would be going anywhere else. He has an absolutely amazing team around him, they deliver him to the line and it's podium time. I loved the interview when he said he's not chasing the Euro, just victories - Cav top man. I don't think there was ever going to be a Cav in the first incarnation of Nat Pro, there just wouldn't be the train for him. But maybe a few years down the line? Who knows?

Talking of signings the new Cervelo squad is starting to look good, certainly from a British perspective. Dan's Lloyd and Freeman move over from the Kelly gang, Hammond is in and the rumor is that Ben Swift has signed. Add in Sastra, Haussler and Thor and there's the core of a good team, rumors abound as to who else they will sign, but I doubt if the one about them riding Colnago will come to pass.

Forward, into the past.

I bought cycling weekly this week, a reasonably rare occurrence, I'd initially bought it cos there was some top advice on TTing positions but in the end read the interviews with Wiggo, Hoyo and Roswello first and then the history of BC (well the good bit, after the blood letting, or perhaps the success after the good bit, if you think the blood letting was a good thing).
And then, oh, OK I bought it cos there was a picture of Rock Racing in it. Weeeee, I'm on the CW web site and there's a big ol' article saying that whilst Rock don't exactly smell of poo, some of their riders do and they shouldn't ride on our fragrant British roads. Then there's an 'interview' in which Hugh Roberts (he organises the a long scenic drive round the motorways and service stations of the UK, which to alleviate the boredom he then intersperses it with a little light bike racing) in which he basically says Yes we invited Rock Racing, and we cant stop anyone riding it and no one else is interested. Well we'll see.
But irrespective of whether or not anyone is interested they can, as the promoter, say who gets a ride and who doesn't, look at how many races have excluded teams for races this year. So whilst major events like Le Tour and Le California take a stand by not inviting teams that have had riders who smell of poo, the ToB is somehow above this?
You know the funny thing is that in a way I kind of like RR for sticking two fingers up to the world in general (or in this case three fingers) it's just that these particular fingers small a bit pooey. I just hope they don't get shoved up Mr Roberts nose.

As a historical document, CW this week has a lot going for it, the BC history reminds us that when Peter Keen drew up the plan and said we (that British Cycling) were aiming to be worlds no 1 cycling nation and we were going to do that by way of building on the track he was almost drowned out by a torrent of abuse from the length and breadth of the country. It's a shame those names aren't logged for posterity, oh how we could laugh.


There was almost unconfined joy in the sometimes house the other day when the publication known as Cycle Sport hit the door mat, promising the Olympics, but not just ordinary Olympics oh no, this was an Olympic special. Brilliant eh, a great fortnights bike racing was about to be covered in detail, er except it wasn't.
What we got was a very good article on the mens RR and some nice pictures and a mention that some ladies rode very well. No track? No MTB? No BMX? obviously these aren't sports or they don't involve bikes. Now I can accept that there is a 'sister' magazine (is there a father magazine though?) that covers MTB, but surely if you trumpet an Olympic Special and then miss 80% of the events you must have a reason, maybe a re-title is called for, perhaps Cycle (Road Racing) sport?
I wait to see what the old Pro will have in store next week.

The one good thing that comes out of the ToB though is that (to me) it signifies the start of the racing season. For me the season starts with the Autumn classics, picks up with the 6 days, the worlds cups and is in full bore with the cyclo cross races before finally finishing off with the spring classics. All thses tourist events over the months of May - August, huuugghh, all sensible people should be on holday then.

It's almost as if I care.

Ohhh, many millions for a footballer. Nothing new in that or indeed in the flood of pundits saying that the English league is 'the most exciting in the world' as a result of this. Now this of course relies on the equation of lots of money = excitement. And it's an equation that has to be true cos there are loads of pundits on the TV telling me it is.

So that's £30 odd million for a footballer, or more than British Cycling (BC) got for the last 4 years. Perhaps I'm just a little odd, perhaps it's just me, but I have another equation in this the more money there is splashing about in football the less I'm excited by it, my current level of excitement is zero, my current level of care less is couldn't and my current turn over factor is 'Oh great Antiques Road show is on'.

And talking of Antiques and stuff that should be put out to grass brings me inevitably to the UCI.

It was only a few days ago that Uncle Pat was on out TV screens saying that all this nonsense between the UCI and ASO / everyone else on the planet would be over 'in a couple of weeks'. Now I like Uncle Pat, he was a good rider, a great race organiser and clearly loves the sport, however I bet he was back in Ireland, sipping on a Guinness and organising the local chippers. As poisoned challises go the head of the UCI is really up there isn't it.

This jovial reconciliation, is however a long way from the 'I'm going to come round your house and piss all over your carpet, oh and if you ride Paris – Nice I'll make sure your cat goes missing' That we had earlier in the year. So what has brought all this about? Perhaps someone has got the main protagonists together in a room and slapped them all about the head repeatedly until they all saw sense. (This would have taken a long time, which probably explains why Uncle Pat and ASO have been quiet for the last two months). Or perhaps they all continue to disagree and having scrapped the Pro-Tour (YYYEEESSS) and replaced it with the world tour (?) they're just getting their breath back and will be at it like knives in the new year.

I don't quiet get the World Tour, isn't just the same as the ProTour, but with the acknowledgement that the race organisers can pick who rides in their races? I could of course look on the internet and find something long and dull detailing all the details that haven't as yet been decided or made public and that no one has signed up to, but lets face it, if stuffs going to be made up I might as well go straight to it and save the research time.

I do think that one of the main reasons the WT has been announced is that it allows the UCI to drop the tours of Russia, China, Iceland, Greenland and Sheppy, without too much loss of face. Although how you can lose face when you haven't got a face to start with is a bit beyond me. In a way I was kind of hoping some or all of those races would go ahead and get sanctioned by the UCI. My thinking was that it would cause all the ProTour teams to drive round to UCI towers and burn the place down, shame really.

So then, the poisoned chalice or the job that Hein Verbruggen left behind. Why, in Gods name would anyone want it? It's not so much the job, as the fact that the man who had it before and it could be argued, did more to bugger up our sport than anyone outside the bloke that invented EPO, has not 'left the building' but is sitting next door as the VP of the UCI.

Whatever Uncle Pat does, short of totally eradicating drug abuse, will always be overshadowed by the crap that his predecessor left smouldering on the desk.

I will save all my deep and disturbed ranting over Verbruggen for another day (well, many another days in fact), but just remember this, when the sport was facing it's biggest ever crisis, the 1998 Festina affair, Hein went on holiday, he didn't want anything to do with the riders, the teams, the sponsors or the sport, he packed his bags and went off leaving the circus to fend for it's self. At a time when strong and decisive leadership was called for he was sitting in the sun sipping on a stiff one. Yet he is, ten years on and having introduced the ProTour, still drawing a salary and filling a UCI wast paper bin with post-it notes and discarded paper clips. Now that's excitement for you.