That Tour de France presentation zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

The crowd at yet another riveting Tour presentation.


There was a time when the Tour de France presentation consisted of a few town names scribbled on a back of a cigarette packet and handed out to riders at the start of the first stage.

Oh how times have changed. Nowadays a crowd that wouldn't shame a bunch of has been stadium rockers sits in rapture as that nice Mr Prudhomme explains in detail the twists, turns, highs and lows of the route and the reasons for their inclusion.

Now in the past I've read the news reports and looked at the pictures of the great, the good and the scum of world cycling sitting agog as the route is presented to them.
Wow I've thought, this looks fun, I'll have to watch it live. And, so this year, thanks to the living miracle that is Cycling.TV (motto: 3 years in beta) I set aside time in my diary and sat back for what promised to be a once in a lifetime experience.

Now there are many reasons pro cyclists take dope, these include, they are cheating scum, they are bastards and they are piss taking twats who deserve a good kicking. But now I have seem a Le Tour presentation I can add another reason to the list, Being out of your tree is a good way to get through that crap and not let it affect you. Boring? Boring? God, it was like nothing I'd ever seen on earth. I've seen some dire presentations in my time, but little to rival the mind numbing cobblers that is a Le Tour presentation.
Of course this could have been partly due to the quality of the CTV feed, which was junk, but even with a full HD, super surround sound extravaganza I think it still would have been like replacing your saddle with a cheese grater and going on a 200k training ride.

The whole thing could have been neatly summed up and all over inside 10 minutes, but hey, if you have assembled the worlds media, most of the world's potential tour riders and a few of their dogs (say hi Molly.) You have to justify your existence don't you.

Next year they should go back to the cigarette packet routine, it's got to be the way forward in the anti doping fight.



Pinky and Perky assess that Tour route in Full.

So, to put a little more flesh on the bare bones, so to say. Here are the details of the 09 Tour de France in full.

Total length: 3,450 kilometers

Time trialling: 55 kilometers individual, 38 team time trialling

Mountain top finishes: three

Days of mountain climbing: eight - three in the Pyrenees, three in the Alps, one in the Jura, one up the Mont Ventoux

Number of rest days: two

Number of stages won by riders who subsequently fail dope tests: 5

Number of jerseys won by riders who subsequently fail dope tests 1

Number of riders having inappropriate relationships with their dogs: 1

Number of riders blaming dogs/whiskey/grandmothers/aliens for failed tests: 3

Number of times Cadel Evans threatens a journalist: 27

Number of times a French rider will launch a suicide break: 237

Number of French suicide breaks that will succeed: 2

Number of Lance Armstrongs riding: 0

Number of times Pinky and Perkey (Phil and Paul), will claim they 'have never seen anything like that before': 17

Number of giant cocks painted on the route: 4 (down from a 2006 high of 54).

I wanna ride the 2012 Olympics Dad.

The true spirit of the Olympics.

It's the reception area of the Manchester Velodrome, it's late afternoon and a father and his 14 year old son walk in. Along with the reception team and the duty manger there are a couple of coaches hanging around.
'Who do I speak to about my son?' ask the obviously proud father.
'Er, what do you want?'
'I think he could be good for the 2012 Olympics' says a beaming dad.
'Right, does he do any bike racing?'
'Oh no, he just rides a mountain bike socially every now and then, but I think he's going to be really good.'

I think he was pointed in the direction of one of the junior clubs that operate out of 'Gold medal City'. But I believe the call to tell Brad Wiggins to forget the trip down to London was put on hold.

Meanwhile there was a guy who told us all how fit he was from running and how he wanted to get into bike racing. But as winter was approaching there's nothing but cross and track. The track didn't appeal to him and he liked the idea of running through mud.
So a few lessons on doing a running dismount / mount, a borrowed set of wheels and he lined up at his first race, having taken time to tell us that he 'could do something here'
He rolls in 29th out of 30 and whilst I personally I would consider this a great triumph, he seemed very unhappy and looked slightly gray.
'It was too hard' was his response to the 'how was it? question. Good, he was obviously in the right race then.


The track, actually harder than it looks, apparently.


And just last week I was running a training session at Manchester Velodrome and had a couple of guys along who'd never ridden the track before. Both loved it and wanted to come back for more, but they confessed to finding it 'a lot harder than it looks on TV.' Er......

All of these are, I guess, examples of the Olympic spirit (a type of liquor brewed in Greece) slopping over the edge of the glass and trickling down to the lives of ordinary people, just like what the IOC claim it will do. Whatever you may think about these or similar events, it's great to be involved in a sport that people want to take part in. Indeed, a sport that people are clamoring to take part in. Oh happy days. Stuff like this puts a smile on my face, it really does.

The winning lottery numbers are.......(ask Contador)

You too can state the blindingly obvious.

In a statement that would have impressed any fair ground palm reader AC (that's Alberto Contador and not AC from operation Puerto) has said that should Alexander Vinokourov return to Astana there could well be problems. Tune in tomorrow when he'll be giving you the lottery numbers and which shares are actually going to rise.

The other view of this resolves less around AC's (that's Alberto Contador and not AC from operation Puerto) ability to see the future and more to do with a slow news day, or indeed a slow news week. As the road season draws to a well over due close there is little to keep the assembled news hacks busy other than thoughts of their hols and a round of beers at the Amsterdam six.

It will be interesting to see if the prediction does however come true, thats the Vinokourov one not the lottery numbers. It's known that he's still training and we can only suspect that he's invested in a new all black wardrobe for the purpose. So will he ride next year? I seriously doubt it, if he does intend to he has to notify the UCI of his intended return 6 months in advance, he'll then need to give it a further 6 months whilst uncle Pat stops laughing, so it's gonna be end '09 at the earliest. At which point the UCI will realise that he was never given the two year ban he so richly deserved. No I don't think we'll see Vino back in the peloton for anyone other than Rock Racing, who of course won't be here to stay in 2010.

Take me to your leader (Part 2)

In a move as unsurprising as AC's (that's Alberto Contador and not AC from operation Puerto) ability to see the future, Alien number 2 has admitted that he acted alone in his use of CERA. His personal manager, his team manager and even his dog new nothing of it. I can not begin to describe how upset I was by this confession, I was seriously hoping for an excuse that defied all logic and involved pet hamsters, a mystery 2nd cousin living in China and a mysterious doctor by the name of Glockenspiel. I think the UCI should stick an extra 6 months on the ban as punishment for a lack of imagination (this to be added to a further 6 months for being an ugly son of a bitch).

It will be interesting to see what happens come the end of 2010, will alien number 2 be looking to a return to pro cycling? Well I suspect that he will, he's not got much else in the locker and unless he has a sex change operation and takes up pole dancing in Munich there doesn't' seem much alternative. So 2010, what will the peloton look like? Will Lance still be coming back? Will there be a harder line on doping? Well of the 2 I suspect the latter will be more likely. The crunch may be over (ask Contador on that) and sponsors will be embracing cycling as a healthy, green, pollution free form of transport that enhances their public image and market share. (See sometimes it sounds like I know what I'm talking about, ha). So will there be a place for weird looking ex-dopers with no imagination?

And the winning number is....

As I have not been consulting AC (that's Alberto Contador and not AC from operation Puerto) I didn't win the lottery. but none the less found myself looking at very (make that, very, very, very, very) expensive houses, that are way (make that, way, way, way, way) beyond my means. You know how this starts, you're looking to move and you suddenly say 'hay, what if I had an unlimited budget?' From then on in it's all down hill.
So what I did discover that with a starting budget of £5m I could get the following, house - 1 very big, acreage - at least 100, swimming pool - 1, tennis courts - 4 and stables - at least 2. Throw in a couple of normal size houses for servants etc and you get you're average Yorkshire country estate. What did strike me was this; people who seem to have unlimited cash don't seem to have stuff that would interest me. OK I could convert the stables into a gym, but there was no mention of a Cyclo Cross courses on the estate, no details of XC or downhill routes across the parkland and not a hint of a personal velodrome. I then took part in a discussion with my non cycling 'other half' about the pros and cons of building my own personal velodrome in the event of winning big at the weekend. Just think, we could have watched 'Britain's got talent'.

Reasons to be grateful for Stefan Schumacher, no honestly.

If you were heading to the Manchester round of the World Cup and feeling a little down in the mouth about not seen Brad Wiggins riding, Stefan Schumacher can put a smile on your face.
Brad was scheduled to ride the Munich six with Eric (I once saw the letters E,P and O written on a sheet of paper) Zabel . But since Schumachers fine performance in totally buggering up German cycling there has been a sponsors withdrawal and as a result some of the 'more expensive' riders are getting the week off. Result Brad is at a lose end and will be turning the legs over at Manchester. Weh hey, that must put an extra few quid on the value of my tickets, not that I intend to sell them...... (Email address at the bottom)

Tell it to the dog on wheels.

www.bernhardkohl.at is still up and running if you want a laugh. Go on send him an email, you know you want to.

His management agency is www.intlsportsagency.com (office@intlsportsagency.com)





As Gerolsteiner call an end to their sponsorship a few days early and those of us with an eye for a bargain attempt to secure any team related items still in their online store, there are people far more unhappy than you could ever imagine.

Over in the outback, in deepest Katherine an Aussie by the name of Cadel is looking decidedly p'd off. His main hope of decent support in le Tour de 2009 has gone and left him, oh dear, oh dear.
Looks like Cadel will have to rely on Molly to get him through those dark nights in July, when the world wants to touch his hound and hound him into touch.
Sill as a potential investment sticking the dog onto a bike could prove pretty useful. It would certainly generate a lot of publicity, it would be more reliable that Kohl and she would doubtlessly be continually at Cadels side.

Maybe it's the way to go. With Lance riding, or not, you know where all the publicity is going to go come July 09. If you want your team to make the front page you'll have to upstage the Texan and his trusty understudy AC (that's Alberto Contador and not AC from operation Puerto). About the only two ways to do this is have your entire team arrested for performing indecent acts on the podium or to employ animals to ride for your team. (Doping is just so old hat, so 2008). So it may just be a good thing that alien number two has been caught. Would Cadel have beaten AC (that's Alberto Contador and not AC from operation Puerto) in a straight fight with Kohl? Or would he stand more of a chance with a dog on wheels?

Having been selected to replace Kohl in the 09 Tour Molly gets the miles in.

It's a wide open road.

Procycling had, this month, an Olympic special, but what was unusual about this Olympic special was that it covered the track as well as the road (Still no mention of BMX or MTB, perhaps they're not pros then?)
But in reading the interviews with Wiggo, Cavo, Vickyo, Sir Chriso, Jamieo Staffo and Darren Kenny what comes across is their love of the sport and their desire to see the sport grow. An interesting comparison can be made to any of the paupers in the top football division, where an interview will be more celeb lifestyle, my latest car blah, blah than anything else, still when you're only training for a couple of hours a day I guess there's little else to do other than fill your overburdened life with fantasy and fairy tale.

Whilst I'm on the subject of other sports, which apparently do exist (shock, smile, wink) I must pass comment on tennis. Well to be more accurate pass comment on the LTA, who shovel in more than 60 million of the British pounds into their bank account on an annual basis, mainly on the back of the Wimbledon thingy. Now Jamie Murray is indeed a fine player, but from what I can gather was trained by his mum and then sent overseas to a tennis school, so maybe he's not a product of the 'system'. Anyway there was a TV 'bit' on those who have helped him to a position of success, coach, trainer, fitness coach, dietitian, etc etc. Queue a bloke from the LTA saying 'this is something we can learn from..... This follows on from an interview I saw over Wimbledon fortnight where one of the Brit players says her game has improved a lot since she got a dietitian involved and started eating correctly. (that's eating the right food, not correctly as in I'm now putting the food in my mouth instead of in my ear). Now she was supported by the LTA, who it seems hadn't offered any advice on this.....
Now I'm sorry, but this is quite beyond belief. As a coach and rider it seems self evident that, fitness, nutrition etc etc are prerequisites for a successful athlete, whatever the sport. How in the name of all that is nameable, can an LTA rep effectively say 'Oh fitness and diet, hummm, perhaps we should look at those'. I don't recall the LTA being one of the Nat Associations that visited Manchester to see how the Britain's most successful sporting body does it's business...

On the back of LA's out of retirement business, it seems that ex riders are now queuing up to put down the pension book and take up the power meter again.
Best of all is Mr Landis. That's Mr Landis, as in 'Oh I had a whiskey last night, and it made me ride like superman'. He too will be back, oh joy of joy, hopefully all this action will spur returns from Vinko and the Chicken and then my life would be complete, it really would. I mean I don't know if there is enough hatred left in my body to handle any more unrepentant dopers in the peloton. Hopefully they will all join up at rock racing.
I saw the Hamilton twins interviewed on Tour de Britain (top coverage via ITV 4, sorry coverage by ITV 4) and he said that Michael Balls view is are you allowed to ride? If so, it's OK to ride and I must assume sign for the team that has no spare bikes. Well that shows the Rock Racing attitude to the sport if you ask me, publicity as a core value, sorry only value, and love, understanding of the sport not on the scale, Oh how different from the home lives of our own dear Kings and Queens.

The mighty Cav to remain at Columbia, is the non shock headline of the week. Did you really think his Royal Cavness would be going anywhere else. He has an absolutely amazing team around him, they deliver him to the line and it's podium time. I loved the interview when he said he's not chasing the Euro, just victories - Cav top man. I don't think there was ever going to be a Cav in the first incarnation of Nat Pro, there just wouldn't be the train for him. But maybe a few years down the line? Who knows?

Talking of signings the new Cervelo squad is starting to look good, certainly from a British perspective. Dan's Lloyd and Freeman move over from the Kelly gang, Hammond is in and the rumor is that Ben Swift has signed. Add in Sastra, Haussler and Thor and there's the core of a good team, rumors abound as to who else they will sign, but I doubt if the one about them riding Colnago will come to pass.

Eddy Merckx - the comeback

Hot on the announcement that LA is making a comeback, King Eddy has announced that he is in training with the aim of winning Paris-Roubaix in 2009.

I truly have no opinion about this, the whole thing leaves me cold, I don't care one way or the other, I mean good luck to Lance I hope he enjoys the ride, but if we're talking about real drama.....

Le tour de Britain - oh yes, that's where it's at. Yet another full on Blood 'n' Guts stage, big break consisting of a string of really good TTers looked like it would go all the way, even bigger chase by Agritubel, yellow punctures (that's gets a flat if you're from Missouri) break gets caught, Dan Lloyd goes for it, almost crashes and a loan leader is piped on the line by a Cav less Columbia in the shape of the outstanding Edval Boasson Hagen.
Steve Cummings into second, Stannard 4th, Freeman 5th, Dan Martin in 8th and Swifty in Poker Dots - could be a blinder for the home side.
It is really shaping up to be a great race, Anthony Mccrossen seems to have lost his first day nerves and is really warming to the task.
ITV4 still need an extra motorbike or two, but none the less it's a great race and for me the only down side is that I won't be at the Liverpool finish. It's the closest to me, but a long standing family thing means I won't be there. Which is a shame as the kids I coach will be competing in some Go-Ride fun and games before the main show rolls into town. When I say family thing, I mean a family event that will even stop me going training on the morning..... strewth.

AAAARRRRGGGG, how stupid am I, I've just realised why all the Rock Racing 'bad' boys are in the UK (that's bad boys as in unrepentant dopers not cyclists who think they're naughty) Cos if they were to try and get a ride in Missouri they would probably get banned and have to go through the whole riding in front of the race performance that they did in California with all the attendant abuse and embarrassment that that would bring. I'll be a bit quicker on the uptake next time, although I don't see this theory anywhere else, it kind of makes sense to me.

New bikes please.

Now that was a great days racing. Peloton ripped apart three Brits and Dan Martin all finishing in the top group, a lone winner, bloody awful weather, brilliant.

But even I have to feel sorry for the Tyler Hamilton twins, the poor fellas came off and due the Rock Racing team car not carrying any spare bikes had to borrow one from neutral service and then one from team GB. What is the point of having a team car that doesn't carry spare bikes? Surely that's the primary function of a team car? Organisation? nah, lets just get a flashy looking car and forget the bikes.

Still once again a day animated by the Brits, Cummings and Freeman looked strong and when they were joined by three more riders continued to set the pace. Again Ian Stannard was impressive, working hard and getting dropped on the biggest climb of the day, where he fought back and rejoined the group, a very impressive ride. Stannard still only in his first season as a pro is winning plaudits in Belgium for his performances in the classics, finishing P-r and Flanders in your first season and finishing them well bodes well for the future. Cav is being spoken of as a classics winner, but I also think that Ian Stannard will win one day.

ITV 4 have finally cottoned onto the idea that intermediate sprints and KoM's are worth watching, but they need a 2nd or even 3rd bike, it's OK to stay with the leaders, but it would be nice to see a chase getting underway and jumping across. But I shouldn't quibble, in Anthony Mccrossan they have the best race caller there is, I know he's probably working on a tape for ITV4, but his and indeed Martins work for CTV is of the highest order, show them an obscure Belgian pro and they'll know who it is, now this is either very, very impressive or slightly worrying, depending of course on your viewpoint. Me? I'd say impressive.

Across Le pond, Cav is still winning in Missouri, win 16 for the season and whilst he's on the podium a quick look at Le tour de Missouri will reveal, via the cycling glossary on the web site, that saddle is the bike seat and that puncture is a flat tyre.

Whilst we're there, good ol' Lance is making a comeback, I truly have no idea what to make of that, I really don't. I was actually more intrigued by Dave Millars comment 'He could do a lot of good for us'
So which races will he ride? Well looks like Le Tour is flagged up, and he knows how to prepare for that one and there have been older riders finishing on the podium in the past. Firmin Lambot is the oldest winner at 36, but of course you wouldn't put anything past Lance would you. Team wise it will be interesting, will he go to Astana? Or start a new team? It's a bit late for the latter, all the contracts for 09 will have been signed, so that leaves joining an existing squad. Lance will doubtlessly bring his own sponsors on board, so extra finance shouldn't be a problem, the question will be how will this be interpreted by the riders already in the team? Signing a contract saying you're team leader for Le Tour only to be told two months later that you're riding for Lance might be a bit of a blow to the ego and as we all know there are one or two of them about.
Maybe he'll join Rock Racing? He'll have to bring his own bike rack though.

Tour de Britain, Tour de Missouri

At the Tour de Britain I managed to catch up with Garmin DS Matt White for a top quality interview

STIGT: Matt. Many thanks for your time.

Matt: For sure

STIGT: Garmin has riders capable of not just stage victories, but of the over all as well

Matt: For sure

STIGT: Will you be concentrating on one or the other or just seeing how the race unfolds?

Matt: For sure

STIGT: Er, It's been said that with only six rides per team everyone has to be super vigilant or else the winning break could be up the road.

Matt: For sure

STIGT: So have you got a race plan or are you just going to play it day by day and see how the race develops?

Matt: For sure

STIGT: Er, you haven't answered my question

Matt: For sure

STIGT: In fact all you've said is for sure

Matt: For sure

STIGT: OK I'll try something different.

Matt: For sure

STIGT: Will Dave Millar be allowed to finish the race early, so he can go back to your house and have sex with your wife?

Matt: For sure

Dave Millar: For Sure.

Having been thrown off the bus, I then went looking for another victim, Alessandro Petacchi

STIGT: Alessandro, how do you feel after winning the stage

Alessandro: I is verrry happppyy

STIGT: You timed your sprint very well, were you confident before the race started?

Alessandro: I is verrry happppyy

STIGT: Your team mate Di Luca attacked early, was this to gain time or to force the other sprinter teams to chase?

Alessandro: I is verrry happppyy

STIGT: You haven't raced for four months, how difficult did you find today?

Alessandro: I is verrry happppyy

STIGT: What are your aims for the rest of the Dave Millar went round to your house to have sex with your wife whilst you're racing?

Alessandro: I is verrry happppyy

Dave Millar: I is very happy.

Meanwhile the racing had started, but over on ITV 4 you'd never know it, we saw the riders in the nuturalised zone and then if was off to Bletchley park, because it was only 7 miles away, er.. OK.
Now as far as I know (or AFAIK as we say in modern) the only vague connection to cycling is you can drive down Alan Turing way on the way to Manchester Velodrome, which I think is a bit too tenuous even for ITV 4. So why? Do they cut away from a football match to show you the delights of an couple of old building 7 miles from the ground? Oh, they do, I'll shut up then.

Top ride by Stannard, he's had a great season, rode all the classics and rode them well, great to see him off the front, just a shame he was alone, a couple more riders and maybe he could have stayed away, although the final climb slaughtered him, he was the rider of the day in my book.

Cav's at it again, winning that is, no problems in a chaotic one in the Tour de Missouri, despite a long and hard season he's still unbeatabley fast, so for all those that said why is he riding in the US here's the answer, winning in your sponsors back yard. Hopefully the road closures in the US were of a higher quality than over in Britain, where at some points it looked like the race was going through a Go-Ride snake.

Forward, into the past.

I bought cycling weekly this week, a reasonably rare occurrence, I'd initially bought it cos there was some top advice on TTing positions but in the end read the interviews with Wiggo, Hoyo and Roswello first and then the history of BC (well the good bit, after the blood letting, or perhaps the success after the good bit, if you think the blood letting was a good thing).
And then, oh, OK I bought it cos there was a picture of Rock Racing in it. Weeeee, I'm on the CW web site and there's a big ol' article saying that whilst Rock don't exactly smell of poo, some of their riders do and they shouldn't ride on our fragrant British roads. Then there's an 'interview' in which Hugh Roberts (he organises the a long scenic drive round the motorways and service stations of the UK, which to alleviate the boredom he then intersperses it with a little light bike racing) in which he basically says Yes we invited Rock Racing, and we cant stop anyone riding it and no one else is interested. Well we'll see.
But irrespective of whether or not anyone is interested they can, as the promoter, say who gets a ride and who doesn't, look at how many races have excluded teams for races this year. So whilst major events like Le Tour and Le California take a stand by not inviting teams that have had riders who smell of poo, the ToB is somehow above this?
You know the funny thing is that in a way I kind of like RR for sticking two fingers up to the world in general (or in this case three fingers) it's just that these particular fingers small a bit pooey. I just hope they don't get shoved up Mr Roberts nose.

As a historical document, CW this week has a lot going for it, the BC history reminds us that when Peter Keen drew up the plan and said we (that British Cycling) were aiming to be worlds no 1 cycling nation and we were going to do that by way of building on the track he was almost drowned out by a torrent of abuse from the length and breadth of the country. It's a shame those names aren't logged for posterity, oh how we could laugh.


There was almost unconfined joy in the sometimes house the other day when the publication known as Cycle Sport hit the door mat, promising the Olympics, but not just ordinary Olympics oh no, this was an Olympic special. Brilliant eh, a great fortnights bike racing was about to be covered in detail, er except it wasn't.
What we got was a very good article on the mens RR and some nice pictures and a mention that some ladies rode very well. No track? No MTB? No BMX? obviously these aren't sports or they don't involve bikes. Now I can accept that there is a 'sister' magazine (is there a father magazine though?) that covers MTB, but surely if you trumpet an Olympic Special and then miss 80% of the events you must have a reason, maybe a re-title is called for, perhaps Cycle (Road Racing) sport?
I wait to see what the old Pro will have in store next week.

The one good thing that comes out of the ToB though is that (to me) it signifies the start of the racing season. For me the season starts with the Autumn classics, picks up with the 6 days, the worlds cups and is in full bore with the cyclo cross races before finally finishing off with the spring classics. All thses tourist events over the months of May - August, huuugghh, all sensible people should be on holday then.

Whats in a name?

Cycling is indeed like no other sport, what sets is apart from others isn't that we ride bikes whilst others kick a coke can round a muddy field, or that we wear Lycra whilst others are attired in XXXXL shirts with the words 'Champion darts' on the back. No what sets us apart is the use of nicknames.

Other sports have nicknames, but lets face it does calling your mate, Giggsy, or Beckhamey actually strike fear into your opponents? Of course it doesn't.
But call yourself the Bulldog of Flanders, or the Lion of Flanders or any other fierce animal from Flanders and you're half way to a victory. Add the words Eagle, or Condor or Falcon to your name and you can bet that when the road starts to climb yous will be the wheel everyone wants to sit on. In cycling we long ago realised that psychology plays a major role in sport and anything you can do to give you a psychological edge is worth it, even if it involves abandoning the name your parents gave you and adopting a slightly bizarre animal related one.

Like most things though it's often a fine line between striking fear and getting your opponents pissing themselves laughing. Sean Yates was called the animal and in Sean's case that conjured images of aggression, there have been plenty of other riders who if given that nickname would get you thinking of kittens and rabbits.
I used to race with a guy who's nickname was 'the seagull', not because he could soar majestically above the roads we toiled on, but because when ever an attack went up the road, or indeed when ever the road went up the road, he'd flap around in the bunch waiting to crap on you.

But are we running out of decent nicknames? As a sport we've come a long way from 'the chimney sweep' to the cobra. Although Ricco would be better off stuck up a chimney in my opinion. And now we're in the 21st century will we have to think up a whole new raft of names for great riders.
Animal related ones we're very much last century, lets dig out some that are more appropriate for the new millennium. How about the credit cruncher from Cann? Or the recycler from Ronse? Errrr... on second thoughts, where's the zoo.

It's almost as if I care.

Ohhh, many millions for a footballer. Nothing new in that or indeed in the flood of pundits saying that the English league is 'the most exciting in the world' as a result of this. Now this of course relies on the equation of lots of money = excitement. And it's an equation that has to be true cos there are loads of pundits on the TV telling me it is.

So that's £30 odd million for a footballer, or more than British Cycling (BC) got for the last 4 years. Perhaps I'm just a little odd, perhaps it's just me, but I have another equation in this the more money there is splashing about in football the less I'm excited by it, my current level of excitement is zero, my current level of care less is couldn't and my current turn over factor is 'Oh great Antiques Road show is on'.

And talking of Antiques and stuff that should be put out to grass brings me inevitably to the UCI.

It was only a few days ago that Uncle Pat was on out TV screens saying that all this nonsense between the UCI and ASO / everyone else on the planet would be over 'in a couple of weeks'. Now I like Uncle Pat, he was a good rider, a great race organiser and clearly loves the sport, however I bet he was back in Ireland, sipping on a Guinness and organising the local chippers. As poisoned challises go the head of the UCI is really up there isn't it.

This jovial reconciliation, is however a long way from the 'I'm going to come round your house and piss all over your carpet, oh and if you ride Paris – Nice I'll make sure your cat goes missing' That we had earlier in the year. So what has brought all this about? Perhaps someone has got the main protagonists together in a room and slapped them all about the head repeatedly until they all saw sense. (This would have taken a long time, which probably explains why Uncle Pat and ASO have been quiet for the last two months). Or perhaps they all continue to disagree and having scrapped the Pro-Tour (YYYEEESSS) and replaced it with the world tour (?) they're just getting their breath back and will be at it like knives in the new year.

I don't quiet get the World Tour, isn't just the same as the ProTour, but with the acknowledgement that the race organisers can pick who rides in their races? I could of course look on the internet and find something long and dull detailing all the details that haven't as yet been decided or made public and that no one has signed up to, but lets face it, if stuffs going to be made up I might as well go straight to it and save the research time.

I do think that one of the main reasons the WT has been announced is that it allows the UCI to drop the tours of Russia, China, Iceland, Greenland and Sheppy, without too much loss of face. Although how you can lose face when you haven't got a face to start with is a bit beyond me. In a way I was kind of hoping some or all of those races would go ahead and get sanctioned by the UCI. My thinking was that it would cause all the ProTour teams to drive round to UCI towers and burn the place down, shame really.

So then, the poisoned chalice or the job that Hein Verbruggen left behind. Why, in Gods name would anyone want it? It's not so much the job, as the fact that the man who had it before and it could be argued, did more to bugger up our sport than anyone outside the bloke that invented EPO, has not 'left the building' but is sitting next door as the VP of the UCI.

Whatever Uncle Pat does, short of totally eradicating drug abuse, will always be overshadowed by the crap that his predecessor left smouldering on the desk.

I will save all my deep and disturbed ranting over Verbruggen for another day (well, many another days in fact), but just remember this, when the sport was facing it's biggest ever crisis, the 1998 Festina affair, Hein went on holiday, he didn't want anything to do with the riders, the teams, the sponsors or the sport, he packed his bags and went off leaving the circus to fend for it's self. At a time when strong and decisive leadership was called for he was sitting in the sun sipping on a stiff one. Yet he is, ten years on and having introduced the ProTour, still drawing a salary and filling a UCI wast paper bin with post-it notes and discarded paper clips. Now that's excitement for you.

Oh joy the Tour of Britain is here

Sometimes you mishear what's said to you, Your mind is on something else and you don't just get the wrong end of the stick, you get the wrong end of the tree. Today someone said something about 'buying ethically' I thought they'd said buying mythically and had visions of going into the local supermarket and asking for a Dragon stake and half a kilo of Griffin burgers.

Sometimes you misread something, you glance at a few lines and read something else, may be you see something you don't want to be true and you change it in you mind to lovely wholesome good news.

Sometimes no matter how much you want something to read differently it stubbornly remains the same, no matter how many times you read it.

I keep reading that Rock racing are going to ride the Tour of Britain, I keep reading that LPR (or team LPR as we now know them) are bringing Di Luca over, I keep wishing I've got some weird form of word blindness that prevents me seeing things the way they are, but alas, it's not to be.

I can only assume that when the sponsors of the sport asked the organisers of the ToB to go and get some teams signed up, 'Go and get some teams that represent the noble values of our sport, pick some squads with great ex champions, champions the kids can look up to' The organisers misheard and thought the instruction was 'Go and get a couple of squads with unrepentant ex dopers in 'em' 'Best if you can get some comedy figures as well, we all like a laugh.'

And so we have Rock Racing and LPR lining up in London, imagine the joy the average Grub Street Sports editor will have if one of the Tyler Hamilton twins wins a stage, if Di Luca makes a successful break and gets the yellow jersey. Imagine the successful PR resulting from Cav's unstoppable Tour de France and the Olympic successes getting oh so slightly tainted as they have to dig out two yellow jerseys for the Hamilton boys if he comes home ahead of the field.

Is there really such a shortage of teams willing to ride the ToB that we are reduced to Rock Racing and LPR? Now I've got nothing against Rock and LPR, I mean good luck to them if they want to sign up unrepentant ex dopers, I have no say in their recruitment policies and if their team management think the publicity from having ex dopers riding for them out weighs any negative feed back that's all fine and dandy with me. My gripe is with the organisers of the ToB, have they somehow missed the general mood that is sweeping the sport? Has the wind of change that is a blowing through the sport not reached the dank recesses of their offices? (Well OK they might well have very nice offices, and I do apologise to their interior designers if they have). Why pick teams with ex dopers in them when there are plenty of others who I'm sure would welcome a ride?

Ah, I hear you ask (and yes I am bugging your house / office / park bench) what of the so called Mr David Millar? Well Millar did indeed stray from the path of righteousness, but and it is indeed a BIG but, he had the thingamajigs to hold his hand up, take his ban and come back on the light side (as opposed to the dark side, you see I'm making a differentiation between good and bad here, not commenting on toast). The Hamilton boys on the other hand continue to point the finger at each other and until one of them actually confesses they remain a comedy act above and beyond VDBs dog.

Last year the fans at Le Tour booed the Chicken whilst resplendent in yellow and escorted by a Mexican band he climbed the mountains of the Alps, this year they booed the Vulture or the griffin or what ever his name is as he stepped out of the team caravan to have his collar felt.

Wonder if there will be similar performances on the roads of the UK this year?

I often muse about Mr Mark Cav, the Manx Missile, the Cannonball, he is indeed a great, great rider and as Yoda would say 'Do no wrong, can he', He must have been gutted and double gutted at missing out at the O's, but he came back in Ireland picking up three straight wins and is now of to the land of his sponsor to rack up a few more, brilliant stuff. (Although there is a bizarre thread on the Cycling weekly web site that slags him off for not trying to win the Tour of Lombardy ! - It's this sort of bollocks that gets me even more pissed off than the imitate arrival of the Hamilton twins). Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, the Great Cav. The great Cav and his accent, listen to an interview conducted in Europe (that's mainland Europe) and he sounds generally North Western, with a bit of Scouse thrown in, but the closer he get to home the more full on Scouser he becomes and by the time he gets to Ireland it's all curly perm and calm down calm down – brilliant stuff. Should you ever be in need of a subject for a Phd you could do a lot worse than a study of the ever changing accents of British cyclists as they ply their trade across the fair continent of Europe.

Enjoy.