Don't eat yellow snow.

Cadel Evans? No he can't come out to play.

Lotto seem very unhappy with young Cadel, apparently he wants to stay at home in May, but his nice uncle Roberto want's him to go outside and play with the other boys.
Cadel isn't happy; 'I want to stay at home and play with Molly.' says Cadel, 'But uncle say's I have to go out and ride my bike, it's not fair'
Damiano has threatened to send Cadel to bed with no supper if he doesn't do as he's told, he's also pointed out that new signing young Thomas likes riding his bike and he's a good boy who does what he's told.
'Thomas is never any trouble and will always volunteer to ride his bike without upsetting anyone.' said Damiano.

German dopes.

A group of specialist German sports lawyers had called for all dope testing to be scrapped. In a statement issued today the 'Sports Lawyers for even high fees group' have called testing anachronistic.
'Whatever the result we are always called in to clear up the mess, it's a thoroughly profitable, sorry I mean unpleasant business.'
The lawyers went on to argue that money could be saved by scrapping testing, picking riders at random and saying they had failed drug tests.
'We have calculated that the percentage of riders that will admit doping will be the same whether they are tested or not, so if you remove the expense of the procedure there will be even more money for us, sorry, even more money can be saved.'
They went on to add, 'Look it's going to finish up in the courts whatever happens, so it's about time the UCI bit the bullet and got us involved right from the start.'

Today's the day.

That Kohl, Ricco and Duenas are all up before Le Beak. Yes it's the day our trio of fun seekers get to stand before the French Anti Doping Agency (AFLD) following on from their positive tests for being 'Twats' . The possible sanctions against them could include banning them from French territory for up to six years! Which would go a long way to ending their careers as cyclists. The only negative is that each will be allowed to bring along a 'friend', and as you'd guess the 'friend' in question will be one of Europes finest legal minds. So it is likely that this will drag on and on and on with no end in sight until we all lose the will to live.

Sadly Schumacher and Piepoli will not be in attendance, Piepoli is still claiming that the tests didn't happen and Schumacher is still protesting his innocence. Schumacher is of course threatening to sue the entire French nation for finding him guilty of doping, no matter that he has a list of past misdemeanors that would make the dead question his innocence, he is in his eye's as pure as the driven snow. (not that yellow show though.)

.

Wash your hands before dinner.

Don't hire ex-dopers, use your own.

I'm shocked, totally shocked, shocked and stunned. It would seen that Kayle Leogrande of Rock Racing has been caught sticking the needle up his bum (that's using EPO to you and me).
That a rider of the fine and upstanding Rock Racing team should get caught on the juice is startling and surprising news.
Now you may not be up to speed on Kayle Leogrand, but he's the Rocker with all the tattoos, that it seemed was his claim to fame, his USP as they say in the business. Well we all know how Mr Ball likes a USP, sadly if you look at the Rocker roster there seems to be just one USP for the whole squad.

What made him do it? I dunno, perhaps it was peer pressure? Perhaps he didn't want to be the only one with out a criminal record? It can't have been for the event he was busted at, I mean no disrespect to the Point Premium Root Beer International Cycling Classic, but would a decent result in that race propell you into the hall of fame?

The most entertaining bit of the story though, is that prior to the test young Kayle smeared soap over his wrist in the belief that soap in the needle would somehow mask the fact he'd taken EPO. Now I'm no chemist (and obviously neither is Kayle), but even I know that as masking agents go soap is pretty low down on the list. It's a drugs test Kayle, it's not your Mum checking too see if you washed your hands before dinner.

So, where then for Rock Racing? Well there is no way they're going to leave the sport - remember they're 'HERE TO STAY'. And where to for Kayle? Well give it a couple of years and he can make a comeback, hey I know just the team that'll take him.

Brother can you spare a million Euros?

Bad news over at Mr 60% world, or the team formally known as CSC. It seems someones run off with the IT-Factory.
Saxo have said they don't want to be sole sponsor, does that mean that there's no more cash from them? or does it mean that they are expecting bad news and want someone to stand behind when the proverbial hits the fan?
Mr 60% seems confident that he will find another sponsor and I wish him well, for the sake of the riders and staff, if not for himself. But if he needs to cut costs he could do a lot worse that sack Kim Andersen.


Whilst Riis may well be a big cheese in the sponsorship world, the real big cheese, Milram, is talking about heading for the hills. With 2 years left on their deal the German dairy queens are looking to cut their losses.

How can this be? Zabel, Petacchi, surely all theses names would do a lot to enhance their public image? Perhaps they just need to put a different spin on the news. Maybe they could take a leaf ot of Michael Balls book, the more ex-dopers you hire the more publicity you get, I may not know what a Rock is, but I spend a hell of a lot of time talking about them.



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Meths - not recomended as a refuling option.

This week I did something I haven't done for almost 9 months, I bought a copy of Cycling Weekly. Ye Gods, as they say in the surprised and disappointed business. It's worse than I remember it. (But then so's the weather, the beer at the local pub and todays youth).

Perhaps the worst £2.50 I've spent since I bought that training programme off the tramp that lives behind the bins at Asda. Mind you the only problem with him was that his suggested mid race drink was meths, which is currently on the UCI banned list.
I stopped my subscription a couple of years ago and now pick up, maybe, a couple of issues a year. The reason for my sub cancellation was simple, I felt it was no longer relevant to me, as it had basically stopped covering bike racing in any sort of detail, or indeed in some cases, at all. So 300 years of loyal readership ended.

Leaving it on the top shelf!

Most of the racers I know stopped buying it years ago as well and now it would seem that their sales target are met by sportive riders and those new to cycling or who have a passing interest in the business of riding a bike. Which is fine, I don't have a problem with that, but what I don't get is why they can't cover both sides of the tracks? Still what do I know.
I know the winter was always a slack time at the world centre of cycling news, Croyden, but seriously, 4 pages of photos that some bloke took of his mates riding Sportives, for God sake.

One of the reasons I bought CW in the past was to keep up to date with all the top cycling news, which lets be honest it never really did in any depth, if you were a Brit and racing on the European mainland you could be forgotten as quickly as last years crash.
Nowadays I can get all I need from the web and in more detail as well. Open up my RSS feeder each morning and there are dozens of exciting and hilarious stories to chose from.

Still that's the moaning about a magazine I never buy over with for the next 12 months, by the way did I ever tell you how crap Shed Monthly has become over the last two years? And don't even get me started on Central Heated illustrated or Hinge Weekly..........

Talking of Crap.

Mr Sella has been handed a one year ban, for, wait for it, 'co-operating' over his drugs bust. This will doubtlessly enrage Ricco, Kohl and Schumacher, which, come on, is the reason he's been given a shorter ban than they have.

No doubt the UCI and WADA have got totally pissed off with the collective whinging and never ending statements of innocence that the three have come out with over the last few months. The UCI can't extend their bans, so the next best ting is to really piss them off, and giving a one year ban to Sella, who has remained silent throughout the whole process, is a good way of doing it.

Diary Date.
This week sees the supposed release of the names of the riders who have funny looking scores on the old blood passport.
I was going to list the current betting, but my lawyer has warned me against it. But if you have a few spare minutes before now and Friday you could keep yourself entertained by drawing up a list and seeing how accurate it is come D day.

Personally I can't wait, anything that beats a doper is a good laugh in my book, baseball bat, lead pipe, boxing glove, UCI blood passport, I'll support anything that names new figures of hate.

Whilst I can't predict the names, I can, amazingly, predict what they will say, they will of course be:
'Innocent'
'Victims'
'Wankers'
Depending on your view and whether or not you happen to be an CERA dealer.



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Just don't call me Ginger.

I'm not Ginger Beer, says former cyclist.

Hot of the legal press: The US Federal Court is bracing itself for a full frontal attack as supposed owner of Ginger hair 'Floyd ' I like a whiskey' Landis' attempts to prove to the world that at no point in his past did he ever have Ginger hair.

'I'm no Ginger minger, I never have been and I never will be.' Said a Ginger minger.

The latest count is almost$1.8 million for the World anti Ginger agency and close to $2 million for the man with the hair.

Mr Landis has so far been found guilty of possession of ginger pubes, a ginger tash, a ginger toupee and ginger eyebrows, by the UCI, the French agency for the prevention of Ging, the Olympic anti Ging alliance, the USAGA and that nice blond Mr Lemond, who hasn't got a ginger hair on his body!

'My hair is not ginger', fumed Landis, 'granted in the heat of a summer day and after a few whiskeys it can look a bit ginger, but if any ginger hairs have been found on me I can honestly say they are not mine.'

Should you like to contribute to Mr Landis hair dye fund all contributions of the following will be welcome: ruby red, cherry blossom, sunset rust, Australian earth and Martian crater.

Meanwhile:

Alien number 2 (Bernhard Kohl) has been banned for 2 years. His ban coming in just ahead of the UCI's proposed 4 year ban is bad news for those of us hoping that he'd just piss off and never trouble us again. Sadly he will be talking comeback sooner rather than never.

He seemed a little upset though, aw, diddums. It seems that he 'made my statement and was honest' and was therefor hoping to get a reduced sentence. Look just sod off will you, all that crap on TV and in the press about how much pressure you were under, all that shite about losing your contract at the end of the season, just give it a rest will you.

And talking of arrest......
Young master Ricco is up before the French beak and the French beak wonder why they have a sniveling little turd in front of them (the two may or may not be connected). The beak is currently wondering what to do with the 'starling', or what ever he was called. I can offer some help here, throw the book at him and lock him up. Oh it would be a day of celebration if a convicted doper actually had to do prison time for their crimes. Now as Ricco would be in a delicate emotional state I assume he would be put on suicide watch, on second thoughts......


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The law of the playground.

Puking for Britain.

Over at the site of the new sponsor, Sky, there's a lot of cycling news, nothing you don't see elsewhere and no working RSS feed, but credit where etc etc. They do however pick 12 young athletes who they expect to blast for Gold in 2012 and would you believe it, there are three cyclists, Jason Kenny, Anna Blyth and Shanaze Reade. Has there ever been a list of future British hopefuls where cyclists have made up 25% of the total? No I don't recall it either. Still looks like they're going to push the profile and that is a big plus.
On of the odd things that I read a couple of weeks ago was a small article in (I think) the Independent on Sunday,where it was reported that the Sky deal was £47 million, surely a very bad typo? or does the Indy know something we don't?

So, anyway, there's a do for all the Sky big wigs up at the velodrome, the D is cordoned off and there are crisps, sandwiches and fizzy pop for all. Meanwhile a squad training session is taking place on the track. A certain young sprinter puts in a massive effort having not fully warmed up properly, leaves the track and promptly throws up in the nearest waste bin, providing the assembled Sky exec's with a spectacular view of exactly what their investment is bringing them (that's total commitment and all out effort, as opposed to that mornings breakfast).

I vant to drink your blood.....

Meanwhile back in the real world, there is soon to be a test for blood transfusions, so in maybe a few months we will get a whole new batch of tests from this years Le Tour and hopefully the Olympics (I assume the IOC will sign up and use the test), once again it will be all bets off for who won those Le Tour stages, you never know, by the time the 09 race starts we might just have a clear (cleaner?) picture of who won what in 08.
I said I assume the IOC will follow suite and I think they will, they wont really have an option will they? They will certainly lose all credibility if the samples that they plan to keep for 8 years don't get tested with every new test that comes out of the armory. How many rewrites of Olympic history will the new test bring?
Now what's the betting that there will be a fair few samples that will have become contaminated and won't be retested? I await the new set of results for CREA with interest.

Lemond has recently made the point that true testing needs to include VO2 Max and power output, both of which can be done now. This would enable the authorities to monitor progression and changes over a longer period and therefore gain a more accurate view of changes. So why isn't this being done? Well, er.... ask Uncle pat. Yes there would be a big, indeed very big, initial outlay, but the pay of would be a massive step in the fight against doping, more confidence for sponsors and fans that they are witnessing a true winner and perhaps best of all a stick to beat the IOC, WADA and other sports with.

Of course you would hear the old song about infringement of athletes rights, personal freedom etc etc. But you know what? How about the right's of fans who travel all over the world watching their sport? How about the sponsors and TV networks who what value for their investment? No I'm sorry, it was the athletes, in all sports, who indulged in a frenzy of doping, silence, cover up and bizarre excuses, as they say in the play ground 'you started it, I'll finish it'

Now is the time

for all good people to come to the aid of their sport.......

Someone at the IOC has suggested that cycling get the heave ho out of the Olympics, and you know what, I see his point. I mean cycling obviously has a doping problem, any fool can see that. But what of other sports? Do other sports monitor blood levels as strictly as we do and then use that data to target possible cheats? er no, they don't. Once again the fact that there is a comprehensive programme that catches cheats is used as a stick to do the beating with. How about the IOC insist on standardised testing procedures across all sports, across all nations and then see who's taking the piss and who's clean? Oh no, can't do that, some nations don't have the resources to monitor and test their athletes as fully as those in the developed world do they, so it could be seen as unfair, couldn't it? Well guess what, the IOC has a few quid (Dollars, Euros, Francs, whatever) in the bank, how about they use some of the megga money they are given every two years to finance comprehensive monitoring programmes across all sports, across all nations?
How many athletes were tested at the Olympics? You mean to tell me that they were all clean? Ha, ha, ha

Loss of Olympic status would effectively kill the sport at the top end in this and indeed many other countries, Aus, NZ, etc, countries with no big professional scene to support riders, countries where the Olympics are seen as the major event and are funded accordingly.

Uncle Pat - Attack dog of the UCI

In a weird twist of history Uncle Pat has gone on the attack, perhaps the first time a UCI pres has done this, he is reported to have said....

"It is completely unacceptable for Thomas Bach to be saying this. I don't like talking about other sports, but there are other sports with persistent problems. Instead of firing guns at cycling he should fire guns equally at them as well."

Well, good on ya Uncle Pat, at last someone with the balls to say something that might ruffle a few feathers. He's probably had to go and have a lie down after that, but still I'm impressed.
I still think the UCI should press for life bans and top that up with sanctions for national associations of countries where doping still takes place, it should be the UCI, WADA that decide how long bans are and who they are applied to, the current situation with some national associations having different perspectives from others is a face. Removing national teams from a years worth of World Championships might wake a few people up.

CN has an interesting quote from Sebastian Lang, I'll drop the quote in full (apologies to CN) cos I think it's important

"When it was announced that there was a new test for CERA, we were all happy. We sat on the bus and really celebrated, The whole team... except Stefan. He was suddenly very quiet and withdrawn. So we, other riders got together and discussed it. Finally we and the team management openly asked him whether there was something we should worry about." The response? "He just openly lied in our faces and said that everything was OK. Cheats must be caught and punished. All of them. Even when it is another heavy blow for cycling."

He joins a long list of those that will speak out, often with considerable anger against dopers. Time to move on? My arse it is.

I've just looked back at the last few entries, huuummmhh, hopefully in the next few days I'll actually have some bike racing to write about.

No exclusive interviews here.

That Chris Hoy exclusive - not.

It seems that cycling weekly's exclusive interview with the Mighty Robert Millar is actually not all it appears to be.
Robert agreed to answer a couple of questions via the medium (is that the right word?) of Brian Smith. The couple of questions was to promote the auction of some of Roberts old jerseys for the Braveheart fund (oh if only I had the spare cash).
Now I don't know about you, but I don't really think this constitutes an interview. If it does then I'll be posting the exclusive interview I have with Chris Hoy, you know the one at the Velodrome where I was carrying my bike into the track centre and Chris held the door open for me, it goes like this:
Me: 'Come on Chris'
CH: 'No come on you've got the bike'
ME: 'Cheers Chris'
CH: 'No problem, enjoy your ride'
Whilst it's far from an interview (the RM one, not the CH one), it certainly makes a good exclusive, I don't think anyone else outside grub street would attempt to pass of a couple of questions via a third party about three old cycling jerseys as an exclusive, so you have to hand it to Cycling Weekly. God I'm glad i canceled my subscription I really am.
For what it's worth (and that's not a lot) Robert can live his life as he want's whilst I'd love to hear from him (as any fan surely would)I totally respect his right to privacy and to do what he wants with his life. That he still supports cycling is brilliant.
The fact the Cycling Weekly seem to be using Roberts good nature / name and desire to help young cyclists further their careers as a tool to sell more copies is about as far from brilliant as it could be. In fact on a scale with Brilliant at one end and crappy old turd at the other CW would fall towards the end that smells.


Life, give em life. (the rant....)

What's wrong with two year bans for doping? I'll tell you whats wrong with two year bans for doping, the problem is that the twats come back to cycling. Not only does scum float back to the surface, but it floats up totally unrepentant and for pretty decent money I'd hazard. Next year will see a host of 'high profile names' or floaters as I like to call them, return to the peloton, Basso is back and the Chicken is talking of a return , God knows where it will all end, in tears I suspect.
What I don't want to see when I turn on and tune into a race is the massed ranks of unrepentant ex-dopers at the front of the peloton. I don't want to have my inelegance, my love of the sport, have cycling as a whole sullied by having to see those that have basically insulted every fan and club rider in the world, turn round and laugh in our faces as they ride past stuffing their pockets with Euros.
In addition to life bans I have always believed all contracts should have clauses in them allowing the team to claim back all monies paid (wages and bonuses) to a doped rider whilst they were with that team.
Along with the UCI drawing up a list of Doctors, trainers, managers, etc etc that riders are not allowed to work with under penalty of life bans. The UCI should also insist on anti doping programmes to be delivered by each national federation to it's young and amateur riders, under pain of exclusion from the worlds / Olympics for failure to do so.
Riders should have a maximum number of days that they are allowed to race, I mean if you've done 130 days from Feb to October what's gong to keep you going as the season winds down?
Of course this would require one thing that is unlikely to happen, the UCI getting tough on doping. I mean why worry about doping when you can have a stand-up row about TV rights and the money generated with the race organisers.

Failing all that, there is one solution to the doping problem, give me a baseball bat and a line of 2nd test failures and I'll sort the problem for you, it'll be hard to make a return when you've got no kneecaps.