Minder is coming back!

Cipollini to advise Cav?

What makes a great sprinter? Well according to Eric Zabel it's speed, Teutonic efficiency and the ability to bore your opponents to death. According to Mario Cipollini it's speed, Italian flair and a way with the ladies.
So how the hell did Cav finish up being advised by Zabel?
It's all well and good being the fastest man in the peloton, it's very well doing all that pointing business after you've won, but come on, what about making improper suggestions to the podium girls? Surely the ability to suggest an after dope test rendezvous in the team camper van whilst waving your 'bouquet' and blowing kisses to the press is the mark of a great sprinter?

What made Cipo more entertaining than Zabel wasn't the number of victories but the style, the showmanship and of course the after race interviews, most of which seemed to revolve on what was going on between his legs during the race and we're not talking that bloody Canondale either.

Here at On The Banking we're massive fans of the mighty Cav, he's a world class rider but we firmly believe that alongside Rod Ellingworth he needs to employ Cipo.
Rod may well give him a training programme that results in GT stage after GT stage, but Cipo can add that something extra.

Like any training programme the one Cipo would give 'our Mark' would start in the off season, building the 'base' and move towards specific goals during the major tours.
Off season / Recovery phase: Regular intervals of blowing kisses and waving at passers by.
Pre-Competition phase: Pointing at you 'gentleman's area' as you cross the line, whilst simulanously winking at the girls
Competition: Bounding up the steps of the podium (this time not falling over), picking up the bouquet, chatting up the podium girls, drinking champagne and waving the keys to the team camper van all at once - true multi tasking and the mark of a mighty champion.

Come on Mark, ditch Zabel, you know it makes sense.


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Tanks for the memory.

Bang, bang, bang.

Tanks and armored personnel carriers are to be used in a professional race for the first time at the Tour de Downunder.
The Australian Police have responded to requests for beefed up security from Astana by hiring in a detachment of the Australian armored division for crowd control.
'Astana demanded tighter security' said an Aussie copper 'But when we offered to place extra officers along the route they said it wasn't good enough. We then offered Police with riot shields, which was turned down, next we suggested riot vans with water cannon, but that was kicked into the long grass as well. So finally we put a call into the Army, they've got a few blokes free so they're gonna help us out for a week'.
At the time of making this up (sorry, going to press) there were unconfirmed reports that Blackhawk helicopters were going to be providing air support for any attacks launched by Astana during the race.

Not fair.....
This however brought a swift response from both rival teams and the UCI. Mr 60% is reported to have said 'Armored personnel carriers, yes, I can accept their usage in the Peloton, after all we must move with the times and cycling is a modern sport, but I feel the use of tanks to be a step too far. The increased fire power would disadvantage our sprinters during the final 200m of a stage.'
However the plans were given little backing by head UCI honcho Uncle Pat. 'Cycling is a sport that should be open to all and in a time of economic belt tightening we cannot expect European teams to be flying strategic battle field equipment half way across the world. It is far too expensive and will put off teams from competing in the race.'
It is however thought that the Russian Katyusha team are interested in the idea of military equipment being used in the peloton and have approached Colnago with a view to production of a lightweight artillery piece for use in the mountains.



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That UCI press statement in full.

Today, January 8th, the UCI held a press conference to outline the future of the sport.
Our on-the-spot reporter has sent back this report, with the necessary translations from UCI-speak into English.

"The World Calendar structure is born of the need, shared by all, to return to a calm, stable environment."
- Everyone hated the Pro-Tour and it was a total farce, we're not going down that road again.

"The tensions that affected cycling peaked during the 2008 Tour de France and we found ourselves in a rather sad situation for our sport."
- It all went tit's up at the '08 Tour, just as it has done every year since 1903.

"Fortunately, these difficulties were the catalyst for us all to realise that it was no longer possible to continue in this way. "
-Now Hein has left we can't just go on holiday when the shit hits the fan.

"The World Calendar is the synthesis of the needs of all those involved in professional cycling."
-We've listened to what everyone has said and then totally ignored them

" It takes into account the heritage of our sport as well as legitimate ambitions for the global development of cycling. "
- Historically we place Ghent - Wevelgem in the same category as the Eneco Tour, that'll piss of lots of people.

"These two components can from now on coexist harmoniously within the World Calendar".
- We're still not on speaking terms you know.

"Perhaps a winner does actually exist, the winner is the sport of cycling."
-We'll just carry on as before then?

"The UCI ProTour is not in competition with the Monuments Calendar."
-No one wanted to ride our events and we couldn't stop them riding theirs, so we gave in.



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The return of the Tardis

And the new Dr Who is......


Si-Fi fans the world over were surprised, saddened, outraged and slightly amused as the BBC announced the new Doctor Who. The 11th Doctor will be played by our own, our very own, Mr Michael Rasmussen.

'Rasmussen was the perfect choice for us, he ticks all the right boxes.' said a BBC spokesman, who went on to say,
'Michael doesn't need to worry about being typecast, a fate that has befallen several other actors who have played Who. He's still fresh faced and yet has a look of other worldliness that is essential to the character.' When asked if there would be any major changes to the scripts for the new season the BBC replied, 'We don't envisage any major changes, Rasmussen's character is very similar to that of the doctor, both never quite know where they are or what the year is and both seem to have a past life that they prefer not to mention to others.'

Having a new doctor is all well and good, but what about the other key ingredients that make the show such an international hit, the monsters, aliens and of course the doctors assistant, what are the BBC's plans in those areas?
Well this is one area where there will be major changes. Following the death of Davros, creator of the Daleks a new master villain has to be found to lead the universes most evil warriors. Fortunately cycling has again stepped into help the show, with Dr Fuentes putting himself forward. 'We got Fuentes call out of the blue.' said the spokesman, 'But when he offered himself as the evil overlord intent on destroying the known universe it was an offer we couldn't refuse.'. 'In a way,' joked the spokesman, 'Cycling is a bit like the show, we keep killing off the Daleks but they keep making a coming back, we just can't get rid of them'

So, master villains and comebacks aside who, may we ask, is going to be the doctors assistant? No names have yet been put forward, but if you look at the characteristics needed to be a trusty sidekick certain names start suggesting themselves. The essential qualities for the doctors 'number two' are, stupidity, a state of permanent confusion, a belief that they are in control when in fact someone else is pushing all the buttons and an overwhelming urge to put themselves in the limelight despite having limited talent. Rumors that the first show in the series will be set in Aigle in Switzerland have yet to be confirmed.


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First year pro threatens to win Tour de France

In a move that shocked the world of cycling first year pro Lance Armstrong announced that he will personally fill the first eighteen places in this years Le Tour.
Armstrong went on to say that he was doing this as a favor to Johan Bruyneel.
Bruyneel, hot favorite to win the Nobel prize for literature following the publication of 'We might as well eat some cheese', was a major influence on Armstrong's early career, teaching him both how to ride a bike and how to switch on his blackberry.
'I owe Johan a lot.' said Lance, 'and I figure what better way of paying him back than by taking the first eighteen places at le Tour on his behalf'.
When it was suggested that this might not be in the best interests of the sport Lance responded, 'How can that be, Johan is the very spirit of cycling, so what's good for Johan is good for cycling.' 'Also, I'll be leaving the mountains jersey and points jersey for someone else to win.' Upon being asked if he'd forgotten about the white jersey Lance replied 'Oh yeah, I'll be winning that as well, don't forget I'm a first year pro and Johan has told me that I qualify on that basis.'

Boris Johnson to ride national 12 hour TT champs.

Mayor of London Boris Johnson is, like many a politician desperate to attract votes, a big fan of cycling. But Borris has taken his interest in the bicycle to the next 'logical' step and entered the National 12 hour championships.
'I fell in love with cycling as soon as I realised there were votes in it.' Said a flustered Johnson. 'I wanted a challenge that would stretch me, the bounds of reality, they patience of the voting public and set an example to fat chaps that didn't bother to vote correctly. So it was with this in mind that I entered the National 12 hour championships. I've been getting personal training advice from Chris Boardman, who, even though he's from Liverpool has won a gold medal at the Olympics and is therefor essential to my public image, sorry, I mean, to me doing a good time.'
When asked exactly what form of training he was undertaking he replied:
'I've decided that Derny training is the best for both speed and endurance, so with that in mind I've opened up the bike lanes in London to motorcycles so I don't look out of place when I go training.'

RTTC keeping up with the modern times.
Over the years the world of time trialing has had to endure several setbacks. Falling numbers at events, smaller prize funds, restrictions on which roads can be used and the loss of NASA as a major sponsor have all dented the image of Time Trialing.
It shouldn't be forgotten though that it was time trialing, and especially the longer distance events of 100 miles as well as 12 and 24 hours that Lord Chris Hoy and Duchess Victoria Pendleton used as preparation for the Olympic triumph. Indeed wasn't it Jamie Staff that said thanks to the Merseyside 24 hour event I was able to set the fastest time ever for one lap of the velodrome.
So it is much pleasure that we can congratulate the TTC on the use of a new font on their web site.



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Phone lines are now open for your calls.

Marks out of 10 please judges.

There is a rumor that there is set to be a major change in the way teams and riders are eliminated from major races and that these changes will be outlined by Uncle Pat when he announces the 2009 World Calendar this coming Thursday.

At the end of 2008 the UCI needed to regain credibility (titter ye not) with fans, teams, sponsors, jurnos, and race organisers. So they scrapped the 'Pro-Tour' and came up with the 'UCI Pro-Tour'. Now everybody is happy, the UCI rule the cycling world again, ASO, RCS and Unipublic have all bowed down before the golden throne and all cyclings problems are at a stroke, solved.
But the UCI ever keen to keep up with the times and in an effort to attract more armchair cycling fans have hit on a novel way of promoting the sport. Starting with the Tour Downunder riders will be eliminated from stage races not just for missing the time cut, crashing or failing dope tests, but also as a result of public phone vote.

Your call only costs 2 Euros a minute.

At the end of each stage a panel of experts will select 10 candidates, who will be scored on their contribution to the race, their riding style and their ability to execute certain predetermined tactics. Following the judges marking the phone lines will be opened up and the public will be allowed to vote on which rider will be eliminated. The experts for the first event of the season have yet to be announced, but it is thought that they will include, Frank Vandenbroucke, Michael Ball, Djamolidine Abdoujaparov and Tammy Thomas.

An unnamed UCI source has reportedly said 'The public vote will add and extra fun element to stage races, which until now had been boring and predictable.' He/She/It went on say that 'The added pressure will also act as a deterrent to doping and aid the UCI in their goal of getting richer, sorry, I mean getting a clean sport.'

More new races.

In addition to the ground breaking changes to race results it is thought that the UCI are also planning to unveil the new 'Tour de Russia' with the proposed date being 'all of May'. A (different) UCI spokesman has said 'the Russians are desperate to give us lots of money and we felt that the ideal slot in the calandar for a race is May, after all noting much is happening then is there? and anyway RCS have pissed us off, so up their's.'
The spokensthing refused to comment that the Tour de China was scheduled to take place in July with a top prize of a billion Euros, 'We have a very good relationship with ASO and would in no way introduce a race with a greater prize fund in an effort to bugger up the Tour de France.'

Shock new team anouncement.

Hold the front page, stop the presses. In a totally unexpected anouncement it has been anounced that British Cycling will announce that they will run a pro team in 2010 and that that team will have a major sponsor.

The team, it has been announced, will feature 'riders', some of whome will be British and some of whome won't.

In another shock revelation, sorry, announcement, it has also been revealed that the team will have a management structure that will include coaches.

As we went to press there was no anouncement about bicycles, but an insider has anounced that bicycles will be involved in the team and possibly ridden by the riders.

As yet there has been no announcement about Mark Cavendish, but it is thought that at some stage over the coming years there will be an announcement relating to Mark Cavendish and a team with a major sponsor.

More announcements as they happen.



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Try a little tenderness? Nah!

It ain't half comical mum.

I am in a lot of pain, my legs hurt, my arms hurt, my back hurts and even my ears hurt. And this dear reader is due to an excess of tracking, or to be more precise riding the local madison session. It's been a long time since I last rode one, long enough for my technique to become crap, long enough to forget how much it hurts and long enough to forget how much I love riding them.

Luckily something I haven't forgotten is how funny Rock Racing are. The latest turn in the comic capers of Mr Ball and his merry band of dopers, has beens and never will be's is the potential court case involving the lawyers of 'businessman' Ball and Baden Cooke. Cooke was signed, then he wasn't, there was continental pro status, then there wasn't, there was a European programme, then it's all back in the US and soon there will be no team. Still the Rockers have been racing in Australia (why, if there's only cash for a US programme did Ball send his merry men downunder?) and all of their riders have been showing well, perhaps in an effort to up their profile and win some cash before the coffers run dry sometime over the summer. Whatever the reason the smoke and mirros show that was rock racing no looks like it'll be over before the sun is fully up and we'll have a few more riders looking for teams.
The good news however if you're a rider looking for a ride on 2010, is that there won't be much competition from ex Rock Racers, well I say much, actually I mean any at all. At this point we can finally put the Hamilton twins in the dustbin of history along with such luminaries as Richard Virenque?


Cross - you gotta love it, no seriously, you have.

Cyclo Cross - what a great season. As we approach the worlds it looks like the mens race could be anybodies, anybody that is providing your name is Lars Boom. The Orange rocket looks hot favourite for the title this year, he's not raced a lot and seems to be able to turn on the gas exactly when it's called for. His programme of targeting a few major races looks to be paying off, so there you go. Or do you? Sven Nys has called on the Belgians to unite against the boy Boon, but to what avail? Whilst Nys has had a good season he admits that Boon must start as favorite, still, maybe he's deliberately playing down his own chances? The Belgians certainly look strong and squad wise have the strongest squad. Nys leads the world cup and Vanthourenhout, Wellens and Vantornout are all making the podiums. Ultimately it will come down to the condition of the course, a course for bike handling should see a battle between Nys and Boon, but a fast dry track could well see Al making a bid for top spot. His vistory at Zolder was on a fast dry course, more akin to his beloved MTB tracks than the glue pots favoured by Nys and Boon. So who's my pick for the mens race? Easy - Bart Wellens.

The womens race is wide open, well, as wide as the mens. It should be a straight fight between Kupfernagel and Compton, but you'd be wise to look out for Vos, back to winning ways and doubtless desperate for another rainbow jersey and Daphny van den Brand. The womens season has been, if anything, more exciting than the mens, close races have meant that on a good day the victory could go to anyone of half a dozen riders

Tenderness my ass.

In an editorial Procycling calls for some 'tenderness' for convicted dopers. The basic argument is that they are fragile human beings, they are young and have built their self esteem on riding the bike and so when their little world comes crashing down they will suffer all sorts of problems and as fellow humans we should exhibit some compassion towards them.

Lets be honest here, do we really want to see convicted dopers suffering all sorts of mental torment as their world collapses around them and they contemplate despair, desolation and loneliness?

Well I do, the bastards.


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